Faked insomnia for Ambien prescription
Displayed distasteful side boob
Brandished umbrella as a weapon
Removed the tags from mattress
Answered phone during a movie
Pulled fire alarm at Momofuku to get out of a date
Stole the communion wine in a pinch
Emissions test evasion (2008-2017)
Charged for water at a public drinking fountain
Simulated own death to get out of a turkey trot
Opened Christmas presents three days early
Jumped into retention pond due to election results
Had a resting bitch face
Slept with underage hipster due to age-obscuring facial hair
Wore leggings as pants (486 counts)
Staged own kidnapping to get out of a date
Broke and entered to check public closets for passageways to Narnia
Incorrect identification of gold/white dress
Posed as twin for extra samples at Costco
Demanded cold hard cash for unsolicited advice
Was offensively tall
Faked a British accent at the DMV
Propositioned George Clooney
Registered a 3.1 blood-caffeine level during routine breathalyzer
Had brown eyes this entire time
Public profanity around an innocent child (89 counts)
Flashed a double peace sign for a photo
Attacked the GrubHub guy with a banana after forgetting fortune cookies
Started a trash can fire in Central Park to get out of a date
Started a food fight in Eataly
Possession of a Juicy Couture sweatsuit (ca. 2001)
Impersonated Nicolas Cage
Administered LSD to a dog to “see what would happen”
Wore fake glasses to appear smarter
Stole $0.75 from a public fountain for Mike and Ike vending
Exceeded legal selfie limit (20,000)
Faked paraplegia for handicapped parking sticker
Played “The Final Countdown” eighteen times straight on diner jukebox
Indiscriminately swiped left on every Bumble profile
Thought Netflix and Chill meant watching Netflix while chilling
Loitered suspiciously close to Bradley Cooper’s penthouse
Bank robbery (Monopoly)
Made a bomb threat at the Met to get out of a date