Tim Walz is America’s dad.
George Washington is America’s father.
Pedro Pascal is America’s daddy.
Jimmy Carter is America’s “one that got away.”
Stanley Tucci is America’s second husband who breathed new life into America as America was picking up the pieces after America’s divorce.
Kamala Harris is America’s cool aunt who gets called in the middle of the night to come to the rescue and pick America up because America is stuck at a keg party with a bunch of weird townies in the middle of a field and no ride home. And while she’ll be disappointed, she’ll be cool and not tell America’s parents.
Kathryn Hahn is America’s other cool aunt who would also come pick America up, but she will stay at the townie party for an hour and shoot some bottles off the hood of a Chevy Silverado.
Betty White is forever America’s favorite grandmother—the good one who tells you stories about getting zooted on quaaludes in the ’50s and not the one on the other side of the family who says “oriental” when describing people and not rugs.
Dolly Parton is America’s mom.
RuPaul is Mother.
Martha Stewart is America’s ex-wife, and honestly, everyone is getting along so much better now that everyone can just be themselves and stop pretending.
Bella Hadid is America’s girlfriend, and America wouldn’t make that up. It’s just that Bella has a busy travel schedule, so that’s why you’ve never seen them together.
Oprah is America’s boss at the best job it ever had.
Jeff Bezos is America’s boss at the worst job it ever had.
Anderson Cooper is America’s work BFF who always knows the office gossip.
Keanu Reeves is America’s childless uncle that America stays with when America’s parents go on a trip to rekindle the spark. He says “Sure, why not?” when America asks if it’s allowed to shoot a potato gun off the roof.
Elon Musk is America’s creepy uncle, and after seeing him, America had a nightmare about his skin slithering off his body in one splotchy piece and crawling through the gap under the door to come get America, and can America sleep in Mom and Dad’s bed tonight?
Macaulay Culkin is America’s cousin who America hasn’t seen much of since childhood.
Jennifer Coolidge is America’s rich widow.
Melania Trump is America’s stepmother who married into the family when America was already an adult and out of the house. So America never really formed a meaningful bond with her. She almost never comes to dinner, and when she does, she eats something strange and off-putting like two small pickled onions.
Bill Murray is America’s strange older guy who shows up at the college party and no one is sure who he is or how he got there, but he brought weed so America lets him stay.
Harry Styles is America’s fling from America’s study abroad year.
Taylor Swift is America’s older brother’s super popular girlfriend who is only dating America’s brother to use America’s family pool over the summer.
Gwyneth Paltrow is America’s ice-cold prom queen who was too cool to give America the time of day back then, but well, well, well, look who is reaching out to America on Facebook because she’s selling pseudoscience dietary supplements now.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is America’s soccer coach with a heart of gold who is happy to stay behind after practice to listen when America is having trouble at home.
Beyoncé is America’s queen.