Hey, all. It’s Me, God. I just wanted to let everyone know I’ve decided to give you Lent off this year. Instead of the usual “give up something important” to impress me, I made a couple of tweaks to the Book of Mark where it talks about the 40-day fast, and this year we are celebrating reverse Lent. I’ll be sending out new bible addendums to your emails.
I realize 2020 was pretty sucky, what with COVID and all. And I know 2021 hasn’t really been much better so far. The Capitol insurrection, vaccine delays, Tom Brady winning another Super Bowl… it’s been A LOT. So to show you how much I appreciate and love you, I’m giving you a free pass from Lent this year.
And when I say it’s a free pass, I mean it. Drink more, take up gambling, binge-watch Showtime After Dark shows, whatever works. I mean, it’s still quarantine after 11 months, and all of you are dealing with it about as well as that guy dealt with getting that Koala out of his car. Did you all see that video? Hilarious.
Anyways, you can smoke, masturbate, eat chocolate, buy something new, have more sex, have less sex, do charity work, be on social media, go hang-gliding, heck, do it all. Not saying it’ll all be “good” for you, in fact, the more “bad” stuff you do, the closer you’ll be to hanging out with Me full-time, and that is fine; I always need more people to love. Just remember that the folks around you may miss you, so please try and be responsible.
All I’m saying is don’t stop doing it on account of Me. I appreciate and acknowledge your conviction (looking at you especially, Roman Catholics — I know how competitive you are with your convictions), but let’s all just take a break. It’s been a rough year for all of us.
Enjoy what you can, how you want. I promise I won’t get mad. For nearly a year, we’ve all had so much pressure on us to try and live up to the way the world used to be. So much pressure to try baking bread, stay connected with people, or watch Bridgerton. Pressure while working from home, with friends, with family, with our kids. We just need to give ourselves a break sometimes and remember to love ourselves and each other as much as I love you. You deserve the things you like and should enjoy them. We’ll pick it back up next year.
And to all of you asking Me when the pandemic will end, well, I don’t know exactly. I gave you free will, and, unfortunately, some of you choose to exercise that free will and not wear a piece of cloth over your face that could save lives.
Oh well. Nobody’s perfect. Anyways, enjoy the time off. You deserve it.