Brownstones are out! Brownboxes are in! This ultramodern, vagrant-style, pre-World War III, open-concept cottage is a charming, built-to-disintegrate home with one-of-a-kind handcrafted features — truly the complete package! Only ONE previous owner!! The fab prefab chateau was constructed after the owner ordered her entire life on Amazon, and — out of absolute necessity — constructed this hip, cutting-edge take on a destitute classic with her surreal surplus of Amazon Prime boxes. She recently purchased a mascara and it arrived in a refrigerator box, inspiring her to continue construction of these impeccable, third-millennium Bezos revivals — and you benefit!!!
FACTS AND FEATURES
Type
Portable Single Family
Style
Neoclassical starter home, made from authentic renewable-sourced corrugated cardboard and state-of-the-art drugstore adhesives.
Year Built
2017
Last Remodel
December. (A new wing was added after Christmas gifts arrived.)
Heating/Cooling
Efficiently insulated with gratuitous Amazon air cushions and the inexplicable warmth many new homeowners radiate.
Parking
Order the Abba Patio 10 × 20-Feet Heavy Duty Carport Car Canopy Garage Versatile Shelter with Sidewalls, Beige.
Bedrooms
Flexible. Add walls and rooms with every purchase to create the sophisticated versatile mansion of your dreams.
Bathrooms
Just pop into a public stall at your local Whole Foods.
Kitchen
Nah. Store food in your AmazonFresh delivery tote, but eat it quickly.
Windows/Doors
Magnificent, handmade boxcutter bay windows and coveted X-acto French doors.
Interior
Amazon smile-arrow logos and custom half-ripped UPS labels beautifully line the signature earth-tone walls.
Fireplace
Order the Donyer Power 14" Mini Electric Fireplace Tabletop Portable Heater, 1500 W, Black Metal Frame and use with caution in your highly flammable thick-paper villa.
Location
Wherever! The palatial fort is easy to transport and anchor to any lot in any town with little to no annual rainfall.
Local Schools
The Jeff Bezos School of Entrepreneurship, Online Campus
Police Department
“Alexa, call the police.”
Social Impact
Environmentally friendly ✓
Twitter ✓
Instagram ✓
Facebook ✗ (Nah, they won’t get it.)
Notes from Previous Owner
The curb appeal of this place is off the charts, and not because it’s actual curbside garbage. My storybook cardboard castle is made with 300+ Amazon Prime boxes — all originally containing items ordered while trying to fill a void — and repurposed in a unique, life-saving way that nearly prevented me from appearing on Hoarders.
Availability
One currently in stock. Get it tomorrow if you order within 13 hrs 31 mins and choose ONE-DAY BUNGALOW SHIPPING at checkout. Gift-wrap available.
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