1. First, have you considered just not ever leaving the house with the baby?
2. If you must leave, ask the server at the restaurant where you are inflicting your presence about the best corner to hide in. The darker the better
3. Fold yourself up in that corner, as invisibly as possible
4. Disappear, ideally
5. Or lock yourself in a questionably clean bathroom, balance yourself precariously on the toilet, trying not to touch any surface while you juggle your infant with a nonexistent immune system so as not to disturb the other people getting brunch here; they mustn’t see a baby being fed. Hold your nose as someone exits the stall next to you post-breakfast burrito
6. Wait
7. No
8. Sorry, that was the wrong list
9. Instead:
10. Wait for your coffee to arrive
11. Bare your fucking breast
12. Put that baby on that breast
13. Nurse your goddamn baby
14. Because seriously
15. You are out in the world with a baby, at brunch, with coffee
16. And that is a feat in and of itself
17. So fuck that guy
18. And that guy
19. And him too
20. And her
21. (Women can be misogynists too)
22. And feed your baby if you want to
23. And if you feel like hiding in a dark corner alone
24. Please know you can get help, and it doesn’t have to be this way
25. And it isn’t your fault
26. Postpartum depression exists
27. But if you feel like someone is pushing you into that corner, literally, that corner there, the one the server just tried to put you in like you are an unruly houseplant instead of a person…
28. Just to feed
29. Your goddamn baby
30. Go on and sip your goddamn coffee
31. And give them a finger
32. Or two, if you can manage