If your LED light bulb contains mercury, take it to your local recycling center to be handled by waste management professionals.
CFL bulbs often require special care. Major home improvement retailers like Home Depot and Lowes offer free disposal services.
Older, incandescent light bulbs cannot be recycled. Throw them away like common trash. Make it look like an accident. No one will mourn them.
Stab your light bulb in the dark of a K-Mart parking lot. Cover its mouth. Whisper, “Shhh. Shhh. It’s going to be fine.” But nothing will be fine. No, bulb. This is the end.
Lead your light bulb to the edge of a lake. Tell your light bulb to kneel. Promise your light bulb everything will be fine. Quietly pull out a revolver. Do what must be done.
Meet your light bulb atop a waterfall. Allow your light bulb to write a gentleman’s farewell to its dearest friend. Fight to the death. Plummet over the waterfall together.
Take out anonymous front page advertisements in every major newspaper. Turn the nation against your light bulb. Smear your light bulb. Alienate your light bulb from even its dearest friends. Soon, your light bulb shall throw itself in front of a train to escape the public crucifixion… never knowing it was you pulling the strings.
Stow yourself away on a reclusive isle, swearing off all life’s pleasures — save revenge. Train your body and mind to the peak of human ability. Return to your light bulb’s domain, posing as a noble duke. Become a member of your light bulb’s inner circle. Gain the confidence of your light bulb. When the time is right, reveal yourself as no duke, but vengeance itself. Engage in an impeccably choreographed duel. Then, and only then, grant your light bulb the gift of death.
Slowly, over the course of many years, give your light bulb mercury poisoning. (See option 1 for proper disposal guidelines.)
Run into your light bulb at Trader Joe’s. Say you should totally get together sometime. Never do.
Tether your light bulb to wild horses. Spook the horses. Bask in the rage of the horses.
At a house party hosted by mutual friends, introduce your light bulb to Valerie — a woman of rapturous grace and conversation. Watch as Valerie and your light bulb open themselves to love — a love that splits the sky. Years of happiness unfold, but one day, your light bulb shall wake to find her gone, leaving nothing but a note which says, “You meant nothing to me.” The poison found by your light bulb’s bed will say suicide, but you will know your light bulb died of a broken heart.
Realize that no matter how many light bulbs you destroy, there will be always more light bulbs out there. Flickering in the darkness. Mocking you. Vow to redouble your efforts. Yours is a lonely battle. But like Sisyphus, you push on. Let them fear the dark, for you are there: a bulb-stomping wraith in the night.
Turn off your light bulb. Never turn it on again. Leave it to a Hell of its own making.