TO: All employees
FROM: Derek Sands, CEO
SUBJECT: Women

Gentlemen,

As you’re no doubt aware, an increasing number of news reports have surfaced recently in which women in tech complain of sexist treatment, often at the hands of venture capital firms like ours.

As such, Fraternal Financial is committing to equal treatment of our potential clients, whether they be male, female or the ones we don’t allow in our bathrooms. Below are a few suggestions I came up with over the weekend with my lacrosse team.

  • Women in this industry are often overworked, having to take on many tasks at once. If you have a simple request for supporting documents or the like, ask if there’s a man around who can take care of it.
  • If she stutters a word she is probably very tired and could use a break. That would be a good time to ask if you can speak with her father instead.
  • Studies have proven a link between being a woman in tech and depression, which is why, if you notice one looking sad, you should compliment her body and encourage her to smile.
  • Send a dick pic only if you’re 100% sure you are bigger than her fiancé.
  • Women tend to be more detail-oriented than men, which is why they relish the chance to go over every minute detail of their business plan. It’s considered polite to ask as many follow up questions as possible — make sure to establish she really knows what she’s talking about until well after the point you would’ve shrugged and told a man his idea sounded “neat” before giving him ten million dollars.
  • Describe her business as “cute.”
  • Do not throw loose coins at women waiting in the lobby and ask them to grab you a coffee. If you really need a coffee that badly, hand her a five dollar bill and ask for change.
  • Describe her face as “cute.”

Being kind to women has practical value, but more than that, it is simply the right thing to do. I expect all of you to implement these commitments beginning immediately. Remember: there’s no policy against making someone’s day a little brighter.

Please keep in mind that our male-only funding policy has not changed.

Yours,
Derek Sands
CEO, Fraternal Financial