Local trains along the 1-2-3 line will be running express between Chambers Street and Fourteenth Street due to urgent repairs (all of the “C” tiles fell off of the “Canal Street” mosaic).

Due to track maintenance, the A train will not be running between Canal Street and Fourteenth Street. Shuttle service will be made available via the Sex and the City tour bus, with service beginning at Steve’s Bar and stretching to Magnolia Bakery, with an intermediary stop at Carrie’s apartment.

Due to a technology malfunction, arrival-time signs are incorrectly indicating that trains are running every thirty minutes. Trains will continue to be running every forty minutes, as expected.

Trains are being held due to an investigation at the Hoyt-Schermerhorn station. They’re trying to figure out how to pronounce “Schermerhorn.”

The Forty-Second Street shuttle does not run overnight. Or during the day.

The woman walking up and down the train cars of the Manhattan-bound J train selling candy bars from a shopping cart is out of Peanut M&Ms.

Expect delays on the Q line; we can’t find the keys to the train anywhere.

Due to reports that the cartoon character Snidely Whiplash has tied a damsel in distress to the railroad tracks somewhere between Yankee Stadium and Fordham Road, northbound 4 trains will not be running to Woodlawn.

Northbound A trains will run via the F line between Jay Street–MetroTech and West Fourth Street for a little change of scenery.

Queens-bound M trains are delayed after a person was struck by a train at Myrtle Avenue. They are totally fine, but the impact completely broke the train.

Trains will no longer service the Greenpoint Avenue stop along the G line, because the terminal has been sold and is going to be converted into a Banana Republic.

Service has been disrupted due to a power outage at Fifty-Ninth Street–Columbus Circle because I had to unplug the third rail to charge my phone.

Commuters should expect delays along the 1-2-3 line due to reports that four young boys are walking along the train tracks in search of a dead body as a part of some kind of coming-of-age adventure.

The 7 train is now approaching the station, but we won’t say which station. And every seat is a little bit wet.

Expect delays on the M line in both directions because all the guards and all the porters and the stationmaster’s daughters have been searching high and low, saying, “Skimble, where is Skimble?” For unless he’s very nimble, then the M train just can’t go.

Service will be disrupted along the J-Z line while we wait for NYPD to respond to an incident at Fulton Street, which they should attend to as soon as one of the twelve stationed officers beats their level of Candy Crush.

Due to ongoing repairs to train cars, service will be provided by the Coney Island Cyclone along the Q line between Stillwell Avenue and Brighton Beach. Commuters are advised to brace for the loop-the-loop.

A Manhattan-bound K train is arriving in six minutes. We don’t know what the K train is either; it just showed up and started making stops.

No trains will be running this Saturday, as we will be holding a company BBQ.

Due to maintenance between Monday and Friday, local trains will not run on the 4-5-6 line between Wall Street and Eighty-Sixth Street Instead, express trains will run with their doors open, allowing local commuters to board by jumping from the platform onto the moving train like a drifter ditching town.

We don’t do trains anymore.