If someone’s go-to Fourth of July song is Springsteen’s “Born in the USA,” they’re conservative.
If their go-to Fourth of July song is “American Tune” by Paul Simon, they’re liberal.
If it’s “This is America” by Childish Gambino, they’re liberal, and they’re not celebrating.
If a man is wearing a graphic tee with George Washington riding a bald eagle while wielding an AK-47, he’s conservative, but if the shirt features Ulysses S. Grant punching a bear in the face, he’s liberal.
If a woman is wearing oversized red, white, or blue sunglasses, she’s conservative. If the sunglasses are undersized, she’s liberal.
If a man is wearing a Pepsi-bezel Rolex GMT (the red and blue one with the obnoxiously big bubble on the date), he’s conservative. However, if a woman wears the same watch, she’s liberal. It’s rare but not unheard of for them to be married to each other.
If the party features a tie-dye station, the crowd is 89 percent liberal.
If the party features a wet T-shirt contest, the crowd is 99 percent conservative.
If the party devolves into a Roman Candle fight, the crowd is split fifty-fifty.
If the party features a “Beer Olympics” between several groups of seventeen-year-olds in culturally offensive costumes, the parents are probably conservative but definitely out of town.
If someone’s favorite firework is the streamer that fizzles out at the end, they’re liberal.
If someone’s favorite firework is “the big one,” they’re conservative.
If someone prefers drone shows, they’re liberal. Unless they operate the drones. Then they’re very conservative.
If someone can name more people who have won the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest than they can people who signed the Declaration of Independence, they are a discouraging example of our nation’s ego. However, we’re also impressed and would like to meet them.
If someone thinks the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest is gross, they’re liberal. If someone has competed in or won the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, they’re conservative.
If someone gets a little misty-eyed in a “this is beautiful” kind of way during a laser light show synchronized to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA,” they’re conservative.
If someone gets a little misty-eyed in a “the American Dream is a sham and climate change is irreversible” kind of way during a laser light show synchronized to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA,” they’re liberal.
If someone walks around the community pool in a stars-and-stripes Speedo or bikini, they are post-colonial anarchists.
If someone was born on the Fourth of July, they’re conservative whether they like it or not.
This piece is an excerpt from Reese and Gary’s forthcoming book “Red Tie, Blue Tie. How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative in Any Possible Scenario.” It will be released on July 10. To learn more, follow Humorist Books on Instagram @humoristbooks.