I tried to get you to take action when you had the chance, but now it is too late.

I gave you your big break through banner ads with pictures of blonde girls wearing men’s shirts as dresses while you struggled to pirate stream an America’s Next Top Model episode instead of just getting Hulu. I sent you opportunity after opportunity via pop-up window when you clicked a link your co-worker sent you to learn about an incredible way to clear up your adult acne. I practically begged you to seize the day when I sent those emails to your spam folder about Emma, 22, and Lucy, 21 — all horny and all looking to chat with single guys in your zip code.

But now the well has dried up. The thousands of local hot and horny singles have either moved out, gotten hitched, or stopped being so horny. As your wingman, it breaks my heart to tell you this, but your window of opportunity has closed. You gave in to your fear of taking a chance on love and now all the sexy singles in your area are gone.

Take Molly, 24, for example — just three miles away! For years she waited patiently for guys like you online. She couldn’t go out and meet men in real life — she was too busy with her hands poised taut over her keyboard, ready to chat at a moment’s notice. She ate in front of her screen and slept with the sound on her laptop turned way up in case someone sent her a message, at which point she’d spring to action. “Hey, honey,” she’d type with sweet relief. “Wanna ask me what I’m wearing?”

But even the most devoted local hot and horny singles have their limits. The mother of Molly, 24, needed help around the house, so Molly up and moved back to Miami to help out. Now she’s more than 300 miles away. Your loss.

And let me address the filthy lies going around that none of these girls are real and they’re all just bored 50-year-old men who were laid off from their IT jobs, looking to make an extra buck. If that was the case, how do I have all these photos of women’s butts to include in the pop-up ads and emails from accounts like gdzglkjndmh@aol.com? And how do I know the ages and locations of all these women? Do you really believe I could come up with that many women’s names? I think not.

You may wonder how I found all these real, local unattached girls in the first place. Well, it was simple. After Amanda left you for that guy who sold you renters’ insurance, you were so depressed — I knew I had to do something. So, I got in my car, like any good friend, and began driving around. First, just around the couple of blocks right near your house and then in increasingly large circles, all the while shouting “WHO HERE IS A LOCAL HOT AND HORNY SINGLE?”

And wouldn’t you know it, the hot, horny women began pouring out from homes and businesses, tears in their eyes because someone finally heard their prayers and knew how to create targeted ads.

The rest was simple — all I had to do was gather their information, take their photos, measure their exact distance from your house, create banner ads, purchase the ad space, film the auto-play videos, prepare the emails, and voila! You’d see the ads, and jump at this amazing opportunity. What could go wrong?

Little did I know that you would be too busy getting involved in a social bocce league and trying to win Amanda back from Mr. Renters’ Insurance that you wouldn’t click a single one of my ads or respond to even one of the emails. Well, joke is on you, because the local, hot and horny girls read the room and moved on with their lives and/or to other zip codes.

And, hey, while we’re talking, can you Venmo me some money to pay for all those ads? I am completely broke.