I Was Recently Hired to Analyze Diversity At a Business. Here Are the Names of People I Have Met So Far

(In alphabetical order.)

Leadership¹

Bill ²
Brad³
Brian
Brian⁴
Bryan⁵
Chris
Cliff
Daniel (Dan)
Danial (Dan)
Dan
Dave
Doug
Doug (Safety Doug)
Don⁶
Duane⁷
Dustin
Jay⁸
Mark
Mark
Matt
Mike⁹
Mike
Mike¹⁰
Mike
Todd¹¹
Sheila

HR/Administrative Support¹²

Deb
Elizabeth¹³
Heather
Jane¹⁴
Judy
Julie¹⁵
Lynea¹⁶
Sara¹⁷

This list is page one of my report.

¹ Yes, all of them are white.

² His nickname is “Mufasa” because he’s always lying. I don’t think he’s aware of this nickname.

³ His name is actually Dan, but my mind thinks of him as Brad for some reason.

⁴ He responds well to candy. He had a root canal at the same time as his dog.

⁵ He was the supervisor who hired me. He called me at 10 PM two weeks after I started to tell me he quit. He was vacationing with his family at Harry Potter World at the time.

⁶ He keeps a 20-oz. Mountain Dew bottle on his desk that he uses as a spittoon.

⁷ He has a candy dish. It’s filled with loose Twizzlers and candy cigarettes.

⁸ He gives a countdown to winter at each meeting as if it’s a death clock.

⁹ The Big Boss, he’s a secret yeller — only when I’m alone with him in his office. He likes to use military metaphors and looks remarkably like Tik Tok from Return to Oz.

¹⁰ A self-professed ally, he accidentally emailed me a painting of a puppet orgy. It was very graphic.

¹¹ It’s a long story.

¹² Yes, all but one identify as white.

¹³ She said she likes reporting on what people say so she can say the words. Said the n-word in our first meeting. She has since taken another job.

¹⁴ She’s a hugger.

¹⁵ Has a pipe bomb on her desk.

¹⁶ The only name Word identified as misspelled. The only one on the list who doesn’t identify as white.

¹⁷ She has also taken another job.