I Didn’t Follow the Recipe, and I’m Appalled It Turned Out So Awful

ONE STAR. If I could, I’d give it zero stars. I cannot believe I wasted six hours making this so-called banana bread. I did everything right. I followed the recipe exactly, except for changing every single ingredient.

All I did was swap the all-purpose flour for whole wheat—no big deal. And I think eggs are gross, so I used soaked chia seeds instead, which was a major improvement to this recipe I had never made before. Then for the vanilla, butter, and sugar, I added these in the EXACT AMOUNTS, except instead of vanilla, I used almond extract; instead of butter, I used coconut oil; and instead of sugar, I used raw chicken breast.

Also, I didn’t have bananas, so I used boiled celery mush leftover from when I swapped the sugar in that revolting angel food cake recipe.

My loyalty to Dana’s Delish blog ends now. When I first started using her recipes, everything always turned out great. It wasn’t long before I realized I was a baking expert and began making modifications here and there. Dana herself even commented that my addition of actual Snickers pieces to her Snickerdoodles was “a scrumptious idea.” But Dana’s recipes have obviously gone downhill. Now, when I replace key ingredients with whatever I want, I end up with absolute garbage.

This website needs better quality control. As someone who came across this banana bread recipe for the first time today, I knew way more about it than Dana (a Le Cordon Bleu-trained, award-winning pastry chef) and the thousands of reviewers who gave it five stars. Get this: the recipe said to bake the banana bread for one hour. I like my bread well done, so I baked it for five hours, and IT CAME OUT BURNT.

This is even worse than when I made Dana’s spinach artichoke dip. Dana should really consider that some people don’t like spinach, artichokes, or dip, and will just plop a whole block of cream cheese on a plate and then—justifiably—point out that it’s gross and that eating the entire thing with their bare hands in one sitting will give them extreme diarrhea, because they’re also lactose intolerant. That’s 100 percent the recipe’s fault—negative stars.

Look, all I want is for Dana’s Delish to post a recipe that can be completely disregarded but still turn out perfect and look exactly like the pictures. Is that too much to ask? If I want to use up my expired Vaseline instead of cocoa powder in your brownies, DANA, they better still come out fudgy and delicious. And if doing so will make them turn out like CRAP, would it really be hard to tell readers NOT to do that? Otherwise, how would anyone know?

I am so disappointed. Dana’s Delish? More like Dana’s AWFUL FOOD AND LIES. This banana bread is the last straw (literally, because instead of chocolate chips, I added chopped-up pieces of my last plastic straw for texture). I’m going to create a dozen accounts and leave one-star reviews on all your disgusting recipes. I’m going to find out where you live, and I’m going to plug your address into Google Maps but not follow the directions, because I’m sure I’ll find a shortcut.

But first—wow! Dana just posted a new recipe. Lemon bars. They look absolutely divine—and would be perfect with a glaze made of cream of mushroom soup and wood varnish.