Welcome! I’m excited about your upcoming stay at my home! I’m using the term “home” loosely here, as the living space you’ll be inhabiting is simply a piece of real estate I have purchased with the intent of skirting local zoning laws in order to turn a profit.

In my experience as a host, I know that many people have a fondness for Airbnb due to the more personal touch provided over your typical hotel, so I appreciate you choosing my home for your trip. My preferred method of communication is email, and the closest you’ll get to seeing my face will be in my circle-cropped profile photo in which I am turned away from the camera while standing on a beach gazing off into the ocean.

I offer self-check-in for your convenience, and also because I can’t be bothered to assist you in person.

Upon entering my apartment (which I have decided is both “designer” and “luxury”), you’ll see that the space has been curated to give you an authentic taste of the city along with some additional charming flourishes. Please enjoy the suspended Edison bulbs purchased from a department store and the matted print hanging on the wall depicting yellow taxi cabs lined up outside Times Square.

In terms of sleeping space, there’s a queen bed, two identical twin beds, two fraternal twin beds, a Rhode Island King (smaller than a twin), and three sets of triple-decker bunk beds (each with an additional roll-out bed), which is a normal amount of slumbering options for a 400-square-foot apartment. Should you need it, the couch also folds out, and there’s a Murphy bed in the oven. (Please keep the oven unplugged.)

The kitchen is yours to use, but you’ll need to provide your own food, utensils, cast-iron cookware, running water, and refrigeration. As mentioned previously, the oven should not be used for cooking. There is a coffee machine available, but it will be unclear to you how it functions. Regardless, the grounds or pods or whatever you need are hidden in the last place you’d think to look. Don’t bother checking past reviews for hints, as the brewing supplies are moved to a new location after each guest’s checkout.

I invite you to take some time to explore the neighborhood while you’re in town. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you’re looking for any recommendations. I’d suggest starting your day at one of the great bagel shops nearby. My favorite is the one that shows up as the first result when you open up Google Maps and search “bagels.”

Regarding rules, there are no parties allowed. This is out of respect for my neighbors, of whom I have met zero, based on my fear that if the noise level rises too high they may call the police in an act of retaliation, thus exposing the short-term rental of questionable legality I am operating out of our shared apartment building.

If you run into any trouble during your stay, please contact Christina, Joey, or Nash by phone. Christina doesn’t pick up calls from strangers, and Joey’s in grade school and isn’t allowed to use the phone until after his homework is done. And if Nash doesn’t answer? Well, that’s just Nash being Nash. In any event, expect your calls to go to voicemail, and for none of the voicemail boxes to be set up. If it’s not an emergency, please consider going to sleep in one of the many available beds and trying again in the morning. Otherwise, keep calling until either the problem resolves itself or you pass out from exhaustion.

When you’re ready to check out, please close all windows, make sure the oven was not inadvertently turned on, and place all towels, linens, and mattresses in the bathtub.

If the day of the week of your checkout happens to fall on a Monday or Thursday, I will charge you $50 for “additional cleaning” concerning a random offense, such as leaving noodles on the floor. If you protest this by claiming you didn’t order noodles and couldn’t have made them yourself due to the lack of cookware and running water, I will leave you a negative guest review and charge you a $50 “backtalk” fee.

Lastly, I’d like to thank you in advance for treating the place as you would if you lived here because I certainly don’t.

Safe travels.