Ever since Donald Trump took office, I have felt so helpless. While my wife Deborah was at the Women’s March, I sat at home on my computer, crying softly and lovingly caressing the picture of Barack Obama I keep on my desk. In the weeks since, I’ve deleted hundreds of emails from activist groups asking for donations because it just hurts too much to admit this is real. And when I watch the news at night, when there is nothing better on and Deborah is off volunteering, I feel myself start to spiral into a deep, deep depression.
But then one day, as our president (ugh) went on an early morning Twitter rant, I got an idea. The perfect way to give back to the country that I love so much. I would tweet memes at all 535 members of congress.
Our elected officials need to understand the grave situation that we’re in, and that We The People have the power to remove them from office, even if we don’t live in their district. That’s why I started my campaign by tweeting a photo of congress to Paul Ryan (R-WI) with the words I KNOW WHERE WE SHOULD START CUTTING JOBS superimposed over it.
My darling wife, Deborah, though, doesn’t understand my mission. I told her how I planned on sending Paul Ryan at least eight other cutting memes, that surely this would crush his morale, but she just said, We live in Massachusetts. Like I would let something as silly as state lines deter me from speaking truth to power.
It’s actually becoming quite the sticking point in our house. As I was on my 13th of the 535 members of congress (James Lankford, R-OK), sending him a perfect political cartoon of Trump hiding a Russian ushanka behind his back, the words IN SOVIET AMERICA, HAT WEARS YOU in Impact font typed across the top, Deborah laughed at me, asking, Are you still doing that? She was on her way to work at our local soup kitchen. That’s when it started to get to me. Here I was, trying to save all 300 million Americans with my “dank” memes — as the kids in my meme-focused Facebook group say — and she was going to serve mediocre soup to thirty, forty people, tops. Who’s wasting their time now, Deborah?
I must admit It would be disingenuous to say it was all going well. While I was hitting my 100th congressperson (Adam Smith D-WA), I started running low on memes. Sure, I could just double up, resending the picture of Trump’s face superimposed over Richard Nixon’s famous double-V salute, but it felt like I wasn’t putting in as much work as I could. I was a little distracted, what with Deborah ceaselessly bugging me to get a job or take a shower. But I was committed to saving our nation — by any memes necessary!
Our home life got a little darker as I rounded the bend on 300 members of Congress. It had been three weeks of non-stop meme creation and tweeting, with some of my finest work coming to fruition as I explored the congresspersons of the American west. They were artistic memes, esoteric and philosophical. Senator Barbra Boxer (D-CA) was the recipient of maybe my best meme: An orb, lightly shining blue and floating in the vast expanse of space, the text reading I HAVE SEEN THE FACE OF GOD, HERE, IN THE SHINING LIGHT OF THE INTERNET. WHILE MY BODY DECAYS, MY MIND TRANSCENDS. I thought it was the perfect representation of my feelings on the Affordable Care Act. I was eager to show my wife Deborah, my wonderful, caring wife — my rock, my everything. But Deborah waved me off, saying, Barbara Boxer isn’t even a senator anymore! before leaving the house with her new friend Dave.
She’s spent a lot of time with Dave lately, who she met while volunteering for the ACLU. And while I wish Deborah would spend more time with me in the office, as I tweak my latest memes, I’m not too worried about Dave. One day, when Congress impeaches the president, they’re going to cite my memes. They’re going to say, Those were the best memes we’ve ever seen. If it wasn’t for those memes, our eyes would still be closed. Thank god for those memes.
Maybe then Deborah will see the power of my memes, too.