Hey ladies, listen up! Have you heard about shoe-glitz-fashionista-andallfor30dollarsorlessexclamationpoint.com? I sure have! And not just because it’s the only place to shop the latest fashion trends in shoes and accessories — all for thirty dollars or less! — but also because I’ve just accidentally swallowed one of their super fab stilettos.
It all started with my usual mid-afternoon trip to Payless. I was minding my own business, eyeing a totes adorbs ballet flat when — get this, girls! — a mysterious man in a trench coat jumped out from behind a display of Skechers Shape-Ups. I did the only thing I could think to do: I threw the ballet flat at him and ran away as fast as I could! The only problem was that I was wearing a pair of Jimmy Choos I had just purchased on Craigslist the night before, and since I’d gone to the trouble of meeting an unfriendly Russian woman in the parking lot of a Checker’s, this girl was NOT willing to break a heel! I had only made it a few feet before the trench coat-clad mystery man caught up with me. He reached for my hand and told me gently that I didn’t have to make these daily trips to Payless anymore. As quiet tears dampened my cheeks, he explained that I could shop all the latest fashion trends in shoes and accessories (and all for thirty dollars or less!) at shoe-glitz-fashionista-andallfor30dollarsorless-exclamationpoint-dot-com, and asked if I’d like a job as the spokeswoman in their newest radio commercial. Ladies, let me tell you, that was the easiest decision I’d made since the Checker’s Choos! I made sure to wear my cutest pair of boots to the recording session, a steal of a deal I’d gotten for only half a kidney and a collection of fingernail clippings. And not just for the sake of impressing the mystery man in the trench coat, whom I’d had quite a few, ahem, detailed dreams about (you know what I’m talkin’ about, girls!), but mainly because I’d emptied my entire checking account shopping the latest fashion trends in shoes and accessories — and all for thirty dollars or less! — and if I didn’t book another gig with shoe-glitz-fashionista-andallfor30dollarsorless-exclamationpoint-dot-com, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make rent. But there I was, reading my script and listening to the trench coat man give me instructions through a spotty microphone, which felt vaguely familiar. After a few takes he told me I sounded a little uninspired and asked if he could step into the booth. He pushed open the door and — you won’t believe this, gals! — held out a pair of stilettos whose fabulosity was beyond my wildest dreams, including the, ahem, detailed ones. He promised that if I delivered the lines well, those babies would be mine. Then he placed them gingerly in my hands and stared deep into my eyes, before pulling his hat down to shroud his face in shadow and backing slowly out of the booth. I looked down at the stilettos: they were a perfect size 7, dripping with Swarovski crystals and power. (Oops, that last part was drool, silly me!). They had been tried on only twice: first by a menopausal accountant in the middle of a nasty divorce, then by a timid but well-liked Midwestern redhead, judging solely by the smell. Ladies, I couldn’t help myself. I brought the shoes slowly to my face and felt the gentle bump-bump-bump of the crystals against my skin. Timidly, I touched my tongue to the toe with the innocence and purity of true love’s first kiss. I felt the rest of the world begin to fade away until all that existed was the three of us, brought together by the forces of fate to finally be joined as one.
So, girlfriends, here I am! Splayed out on the floor of the soundbooth with a six-inch stiletto heel tickling my tonsils and my breath beginning to slow. I know you gals are all racing to your computers to shop the latest fashion trends in shoes and accessories (and all for thirty dollars or less!), but if one of you could please call me an ambulance, that would be so sweet of you. In the meantime, I’ll wait for my trench coat-clad mystery man to find me and make sweet love to my semi-lifeless body. Which, come to think of it, is exactly how my last dream ended!