Finally, and not a moment too soon, our government will look, smell, and act like the real America. Not an Ivy League college campus, not a melting pot of immigrants striving to achieve the American dream, but instead an endlessly replenishing stream of shout-talking men outraged that people with disabilities or families with children who are offered extra assistance actually take it, along with a steady diet of morning beers, explosive rage, and ketchup.
It’s far past time for those who “govern” to demonstrate the same lack of awareness as everyone pretending not to know what boarding group they’re in. And why did we win January 6 if not for the right to berate underpaid service workers who aren’t allowed to unionize and also so we can have both pizza and tequila shots for breakfast? Why was 9/11 an inside job if not for our hard-won ability to wear pajama bottoms and inflatable neck pillows in public and constantly have to relearn through the application of loud buzzing sounds and shame that jewelry is made of metal? And what was the whole point of all those genocides if not to have unlimited access to themed socks and overpriced regional T-shirts?
Why did we win some wars if not to one day step on a slow-moving rubbery walkway that will just bring us to a place in the small distance that’s not even better, just a little bit closer to the end? Why did we violate a whole bunch of human rights stuff if not to look down on anyone who doesn’t have TSA pre-check as well as those who do? What is the point of taking over Greenland and the Panama Canal?
I’m genuinely asking.
What is our military fighting for other than to one day have access to basic health care, suicide prevention, addiction treatment, PTSD treatment, disability assistance, financial stability, mental health services, homelessness prevention, treatment for military sexual trauma, and thorough investigations into the toxins, trauma, and brain injuries suffered during their service to our country, and I totally forgot the point I was trying to make.
Right, the point is, it’s far past time for the physical and behavioral aspects of our government, not to mention the basic filth level and daily aromatic je ne sais quois to more closely reflect the combination Wolf of Wall Street / itinerant carnival / Klan rally that is now the actual true American experience. Join us at gate D4, now E24, now B28, now A287—whoops, now back to D4 via a shuttle and infrastructure constructed in a previous century. Come jump into a sauce packet of patriotism, get ready to guzzle the cloying artificial syrup of selfishness, and crack open a can of frozen concentrate brimming with public toenail clippings, open-mouth coughing, and watching marriages unravel before your eyes.
Do you smell that? That’s freedom. Also, caramel corn and farts.
Real democracy is now ready to board. Are you a real American or not? Do you not have the slightest clue how to go through security after twenty-four fucking years? Are you just waiting for someone to act up so you can duct tape them to their seat? Do you hear that other people have tight connections, and if we all just sat down and gave them time to grab their bags and deboard first, they might have a chance of making their connections and think, “Fuck that shit”? Are you itching to ask every non-white person you see where they’re really from, and so help you god, if they answer “Kansas,” you will seriously lose it? And do you often think about how there doesn’t seem to be nearly enough exit rows for everyone who wants out?
May God and air traffic control bless our new president, because obviously the billionaires already have. And may someone—truly we’ve proven we’ll take literally anyone—bless the United States of America, a country that has never been more terminal, where the skies have never been less friendly, where you are not free to get up and move across state borders with that uterus of yours, and where the doors are definitely about to fall off.