Hi. I’m James. It’s very nice to meet you. Thanks for coming to check out the property. Sorry my hand’s so sticky; I really have no idea why. Care for a juice box?

I simply love the open floor plan. It gives the house a nice flow if you’re entertaining or pretending to be an airplane. Go on, try it, I’ll wait. Make sure you do mouth noises or you aren’t actually flying. I’d like to see you try that in an apartment.

See these cabinets? Real mahogany. You can use them for extra storage or hiding during games if you can fit. I can fit. See? Now close your eyes and pretend to find me.

Sorry to have you stand on cushions in here. A less honest realtor wouldn’t tell you this, but the floor in this room occasionally turns into lava. We’re going to hop over to the couch now. There we go. Sure, it’s a little hard to get around, but you never have to turn on the heat in the winter. It’s not a bug, it’s a feature, right? Ha-ha.

Also, here’s a bug I caught. Don’t worry, the house is completely pest-free, Harold just likes to visit sometimes. If you buy this house, you do have to promise not to squish Harold. Good, glad that’s not a problem, I knew you seemed like nice folks. But, just in case, would you be willing to pinky swear on it?

Twelve-foot ceilings in the bedroom. Such a find, right? If there was a bed in here I could bounce that high, but Mom told me not to so that’s the only reason I’m not doing it. I totally could, though.

The chimney is red brick, original construction, and the flue still opens so you can have a fire, and your father doesn’t have to let Santa in through the back door. That’s how he gets into houses without chimneys, FYI. I know, I was worried too.

Count my fingers. I’ve been in the business this many years. You’re not going to find a better deal in a school district this good. Mrs. Sundin plays movies during naps. And Mrs. Oakes? Always keeps Starbursts on her desk. With an education like that, the Ivies will be coming to you.

Here’s the kitchen, recently remodeled. Those upper cabinets are all brand new. I wouldn’t recommend using them, though, unless you’re storing canned vegetables or boring cereals. Don’t put dessert foods or Lucky Charms way up there. That would just be cruel.

This is the basement. You probably won’t spend much time down here unless you finish it or get rid of the monsters. Just kidding. Monsters aren’t real. Right? Let’s keep moving.

So that’s the place. I hope it fits your needs. I know the asking price is at the top of your range, but I can probably talk the owners down to $100. Who wouldn’t sell something for $100?