“U.S. Representative Lauren Boebert was escorted out of a Sunday night performance of the ‘Beetlejuice’ musical in downtown Denver, accused by venue officials of vaping, singing, recording and ‘causing a disturbance’ during the performance.” — The Denver Post
(The curtain rises on the Buell Theatre, Denver. We see the AUDIENCE on stage, settling in for a performance of the musical “Beetlejuice.”)
AUDIENCE
It’s a splendid night for a musical
An escape that’s non-pharmaceutical
You won’t see a frown
When the theater lights go down
We’re waiting in our seats politely
Looking forward to the show excitedly
Hey, look, there’s our rep in DC
And she’s shouting, “Hey, y’all, look at me!”
Eh, let her have her fun
The show hasn’t yet begun
Once the actors start their work
She’ll probably stop acting like a jerk
Beetlejuice will be magical, wonderful,
And bound to be Tim Burton-ful
What a splendid night
For a delightful musical!
(The performance of “Beetlejuice” begins. LAUREN BOEBERT and her COMPANION are noisy and disruptive throughout the first couple of songs.)
COMPANION
Hey, this show is pretty groovy
But it’s nothing like the movie
BOEBERT
I think the show’s a riot
But you have to be more quiet
All your gabbing’s gonna ruin
All this taping that I’m doin’
COMPANION
On your phone you’re videotaping?
And here I thought you were only vaping
BOEBERT
Oh, yes, I’m doing that and more
All the loud and obnoxious things audiences abhor
Like singing along with the actors on stage
Yes, this congresswoman will not act her age
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1
Someone has to intervene
Her behavior is quite obscene
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
Someone has to hush her
Seriously, call the usher
(Enter USHER #1 and USHER #2)
USHER #1
I’m not paid enough for this shit
Do I enjoy what I do? Not one bit
USHER #2
I used to have convictions
Now I negotiate evictions
Revoking paid admissions
To entitled politicians
USHERS #1 and #2
We have to escort Lauren Boebert from her seat
Crap, we hope she’s not packing heat
(The USHERS ask LAUREN BOEBERT and her COMPANION to leave. BOEBERT rises from her seat defiantly.)
BOEBERT
Don’t you know who I am?
USHER #1
You’ll have to leave, ma’am.
BOEBERT
I said: Don’t you know who I am?
USHER #2
We really don’t give a damn
BOEBERT
But I’ve done nothing wrong
USHER #1
You were loud throughout each song
USHER #2
Plus, we see that phone you’re hidin’
BOEBERT
Wait! What about Hunter Biden?
USHER #1
It’s confirmed by audience quorum
That you’ve violated show decorum
BOEBERT
Tomorrow, I will call the mayor
And you will lose your job
Won’t a patriot please save me
From the wokeness of this mob!
USHER #2
Ma’am, I think you’ve triggered
Quite enough theatrical trauma
BOEBERT
Shut up, fascist
I blame Obama!
(The USHERS escort LAUREN BOEBERT and her COMPANION out of the theater.)
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1
I was so afraid to chide her
While sitting there beside her
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
This show has lots of spiders
But alas no Winona Ryder
AUDIENCE
Now we can enjoy the show
So glad to see Boebert go
The reprehensible,
Nonsensical
And quite offensible
Greatest shame of
Colorado!
(LAUREN BOEBERT sticks her head through the theater doors.)
BOEBERT
You haven’t heard the last of me!
I’ll make a stink about this back in Washington, D—
AUDIENCE
Fuck off, Lauren!