Dear Mr. Bezos:

Please be advised that I am the attorney for a very well-known individual recognized universally both for his highly successful business and show business endeavors who also simultaneously holds an extremely high office in the government of the United States of America.

You’ll never guess who he is. Don’t even try.

Mr. Bezos, my client doesn’t know I am writing to you. It is, however, his firm belief that your company Amazon.com Inc. (hereinafter “Amazon”) poses a major threat to the well-being of America for a number of serious and troubling and generally untrue reasons which he has enumerated elsewhere under his preferred mode of communication.

You have an awfully nice company here, Mr. Bezos. You provide so many lovely products to the American public. Among those many fine products are a wonderful pig-shaped hamper, comfy knee-high leg warmers, and a number of books by obscure indie authors that only sell to their friends and family, if at all.

I’d hate to see any of these items get dented, ripped, or dog-eared before being sent to any of your valued customers.

A nightmare in customer relations eh, Mr. Bezos?

The attached Non-Disclosure Agreement provides that Amazon will henceforth no longer disclose to any person whatsoever any information regarding its business, operations, or products by any and all modes of communications including the internet, television, radio, podcast, printed materials, walking around talking to people, miming, signing, and/or Vulcan mind meld (hereinafter “shutting up.”)

In consideration of shutting up, Mr. Bezos, you will be paid the substantial sum of $130,000.

You’re probably wondering whether this individual — who doesn’t know I am writing to you — is good for such a large sum of money?

Frankly, I’m going to have to mortgage my house to get the money. This is not the first time I have done this, and I’m afraid it probably won’t be the last! And you’d think he’d pay me back at least once or twice, that goddamn chiseling David Dennison (hereinafter “Not the Dude’s Real Name”)!
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Again, to be perfectly clear: Not the Dude’s Real Name doesn’t know that I am writing to you.

Thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Bezos. I knew you’d see reason. And let me give you a piece of good advice: don’t even think about hiring some loudmouth hotshot attorney to try to get Amazon out of shutting up.

Believe me, you and the attorney will have an awfully stormy road ahead if you try it.

Very truly yours,
Michael Cohen, Esq.