Dear Dr. Gross:

I regret to notify you that following a declaration of [foam buildup in manure pits below the slats] by [Gruel-O-Matic] University, you are being laid off from your [automatic clipping/hanging machine] with the university. This [one-shot humane stunning] has been an extremely difficult one and has been made as a result of [material handling, grinding, blending, and emulsion] below university projections and the impact on the university budget of [chronic or endemic transmission of pathogens]. This [slice whole product end-to-end, in one pass, with no end waste] will be effective at the end of the [wean-to-finish cycle].

Tenured [formed and extruded processed products] who have been [cooled or at least crusted in a blast freezer] have certain rights as set forth in [state laws related to proper carcass disposal]. Exercise of “[SLICE-N-TACT]” rights depends in part on your completion of a form designating [a heat-driven process that separates and converts waste tissue into value-added materials].

As provided in [advance broiler welfare practices] of the [watery scour] Agreement, the university will arrange [body tilts for quick, unagitated loading]. You will be provided with [lung gun & turkey hock & neck cutter]. Faculty may also wish to consult [microscopic lesions] concerning your eligibility for [USDA approved “natural” labeling].

You should also be aware that your current [scalding and dehairing machine] will [remove leaf lard in one motion] for an additional 12 consecutive months following your layoff. Additionally, you and/or your [continuous ammonia detection system] and dependents may continue [automatic bone removal for a more consistent product]. This [trouble-free cylinder-by-cylinder portioning] is limited, however, to [quick and easy changing of the blade and proper tension pressure].

Please also note that this office and others at the university will do what we can to [coat, cook & fry, brand & sear, convey, weigh, package, and inspect] you in seeking [no off flavors while inhibiting spoilage]. We have appreciated your [macerator/tenderizer for all types of protein], and we are saddened that this [narrow drain channel] is necessary.

[Viruses don’t care] for the contributions you have made to [separation of the hide-on and hide-off sides of the processing floor] and for your service to [quadruple interleaving for the very first time in the world of slicing].

[Modular separating solutions push the boundaries of what has been to what could be].

[Let the saw do the work],
The President