1. “The Confederacy’s biggest problem was messaging.”
2. “I write this as I feel the chemo seep deeper into my body — how can something heal me and kill me at the same time?”
3. “Hey Fucklord, you think you’re better than me?”
4. “This is Tupac. You don’t have much time. They’re already on their way.”
5. “Life is a cyclical futility, and soon our temples will crumble to dust, and even the memory of our memories will evaporate in the vast nothingness of this imaginary existence.”
6. “01101000 01100101 01101100 01101100 01101111 or, as you humans say, “hello.””
7. “Jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams.”
8. “A train is traveling at 100 mph. A child is tied to the track. I have a switch in front of me. If I pull it, the train will switch to another track, and instead of hitting the child, it will hit ten convicted felons. What do I do? Trick question: I’m not even there. I’m at your company helping you make record profits.”
9. “Your wife is crazy, your shower doesn’t need to be re-tiled.”