Push Scooter Parents

Begin the day with extremely high expectations for their children but by 8 PM have reduced their rules to “It would be great if you don’t smear mayonnaise on the iPad.”

Subaru Outback Parents

Regardless of sexual orientation, have a copy of Heather Has Two Mommies in their child’s library on principle.

Hummer Parents

Chiefly concerned with making their presence known at school events, often arriving late and entering noisily during the principal’s welcome speech, then standing at the front of the auditorium to take photos of their children during the concert.

Motorcycle Parents

Never pick their child up on time, most of their conversation is about getting a tattoo, constantly bring up the last scene of The Breakfast Club at school events.

Submarine Parents

Plead that they are too busy with work to attend child’s events, then suddenly emerge at child’s birthday party to charm everyone.

Combine Harvester Parents

Pass out business cards and coupons at Back to School Night, give their kid Avon catalogs to hand out to teachers.

Mobile Home Parents

Always have a large variety of healthy snacks and a change of clothes available; chief organizers of the band practice car pool.

Tractor Parents

Drag along one or more recalcitrant younger children to oldest child’s sporting events, dropping shoes/pacifiers/Cheerios on their way.

18-Wheeler Parents

Older parents in poor shape who fail to see others trying to pass them on the walk up the hill to the pool, track or football field.

Schooner Parents

Seize upon the most positive note on their child’s report card (“very outgoing”) and ignore the lurking trouble below (“but incapable of focusing for more than 10 seconds”).

Yacht Parents

Only see their children at the annual Christmas card photo shoot.

Blimp Parents

Only vaguely aware of their children’s activities (“Jessica plays… soccer? Softball? Tennis?”) which they hear about at night from their spouse’s half-asleep recitation of the days’ events.

747 Parents

Often late to PTA meetings without any real explanation but can be counted on to bring the beverages.

Space Shuttle Parents

Sign their kids up for a variety of ambitious activities (Lego camp, piano lessons, Boy Scouts) but only rarely get them to them on time, or, often, at all.