Product Use Clarification 1: It turns out that our product is not “100% säfe,” no matter how creative your definition of “safe,” “safety,” or “säfe,™” which is a word we are legally required to inform you we just made up. But what in our crazy world is ever guaranteed? Love? Happiness? Non-toxic butter substitute? No, no, and definitely no. We can still promise that our product is fairly safe, safe enough to continue spreading on your toast, face, and crops.
Clarification 2: We should downgrade our earlier assessment that our product is “fairly safe.” Our product should only be used as face lotion if by “face” you understood “callused soles of feet.” And by “safely used” we mean dabbed on carefully with gloved hands and then immediately washed off with rubbing alcohol. Do not ingest our butter substitute, especially—AND WE CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH—on toast.
Clarification 3: Prior to applying product to feet, ensure feet are pre-treated with flame retardant. Product is non-harmful to apply to feet after appropriate pre-treatment. Product also may be applied to the feet of tables or other chemically-treated wood products as industrial-grade varnish remover.
Clarification 4: By non-harmful, we meant “will not cause immediate and acute bladder combustion.” But only if applied to soles of feet or the feet of pre-treated wood products, as directed.
Clarification 5: All government agencies agree our product is “non-harmful.”
Clarification 6: By “all” government agencies, we meant “some” government agencies.
Clarification 7: By “some” government agencies, we meant the board of our company. And by that we meant our CEO’s three golden retrievers.
Clarification 8: Our board inadvertently ingested some of our product and then very graphically revoked its “non-harmful” determination along with the grass the board ate on its walk this morning. Please place product under bathroom sink and do not touch, especially with feet. We repeat, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, touch product to feet.
Clarification 9: Any fluorescent green algal bloom or silverfish hive colonizing the cabinet under your bathroom sink is not related to our product. While we do not recommend inhaling near the algal bloom, wherever it came from, you may freely exhale near the algal bloom/silverfish hive.
Clarification 10: By “not related,” we meant related. Oh, this is all very much related to our product. Product is still safe for use as an insecticide, assuming you intend to kill insects by making them super-intelligent so that they develop a civilization that will one day choke on its own excesses.
Clarification 11: The under-sink silverfish and algal bloom are not cataloguing your weaknesses and purchasing habits. Please feel free to quarantine them in a super-heated, vacuum-sealed room lined with lead.
Clarification 12: The silverfish are not building the algal bloom into the shape of a human body and then operating the algal bloom like a puppet. You should not anthropomorphize the algal bloom. Do not name him or her, even if he or she takes the shape of one of your childhood friends and asks to be called “Ryan.” Do not—DO NOT—attempt a selfie with Ryan.
Clarification 13: You do not need to flee from “Ryan.” Simply overcome him by applying a steady flow of hydrobromide for eight minutes. Please amply draw on your government-recommended supply of hydrobromide and your own personal will to survive.
Clarification 14: Please feel free to flee the algal bloom and associated super-intelligent silverfish. They are not your cool but innocuous high school friend Ryan. Run now. RUN FROM RYAN.
Clarification 15: We are sorry some people are upset that we unleashed our unrivaled ingenuity on the world. We regret we did not make the rules and that we just follow them.
Clarification 16: We aren’t sorry. Ha.
Clarification 17: Haha.
Clarification 18: Congratulations on escaping and/or overcoming the algal bloom and mutant silverfish. You are far nimbler than many, many of your peers and had a far ampler reserve of hydrobromide/personal will to survive! You may be entitled to a class action settlement for your use of our product in the amount of $0.0019 million as full and final resolution of any and all claims related to our product and any and all chronic illness not yet named or nameable.
Clarification 19: By $0.0019 million, we really meant $19.40. And by dollars we meant Spanish pesetas.
Clarification 20: Your pesetas are collectable at our remote corporate headquarters off the coast of the Yucatan Peninsula. Come find us! To unlock your reward, you will need to purchase a combination GPS/toothpick/taser. Its use is 100% şafȇ.™