Our New Vaccine Distribution Plan Is Based on Your Relationship with Pink Floyd

Due to high demand and constrained supply, COVID-19 vaccines are severely limited at this time. Since distributing the vaccine based on logical needs, physical vulnerability, and exposure risk was starting to get, like, way complicated, we’ve created an extremely straightforward distribution rollout based on your personal relationship to the 1970s progressive rock band Pink Floyd. Thank you for your cooperation.

Phase 1A: The original surviving members of Pink Floyd: Roger Waters and Nick Mason. They’re over 75 anyway.

Phase 1B: Guitarist and vocalist David Gilmour, who joined the band in 1968 and who is over 70.

Phase 1C: The surviving choir of children who sang the chorus of “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2).”

Phase 1D: The inflatable pig (please inject directly into blow-up valve!!).

Phase 1E: Anyone who has eaten their meat but not yet had their pudding.

Phase 2A: Adults who have seen Pink Floyd perform live but don’t talk about it all the time.

Phase 2B: Adults who have seen Pink Floyd perform live and mention it at every juncture, including wedding toasts and when paying turnpike tolls.

Phase 2C: Anyone who owns original Pink Floyd vinyl. Just kidding, no one cares.

Phase 2D: Adults who say they have seen Pink Floyd perform but it was really just one of Roger Waters’ solo tours, and they know it.

Phase 2E: Anyone who has not seen Pink Floyd perform live but once ate mushrooms and went to a Pink Floyd laser show at a planetarium.

Phase 2F: Anyone who has tried to watch The Wizard of Oz on mute while playing Dark Side of the Moon, and thought, Wow, we might really be onto something here.

Phase 3: People who think Animals is their best album. Welp, looks like time to move on to the next phase.

Phase 4A: Anyone who considers themselves another brick in the wall. That is, the wall called herd immunity that we’re building against COVID-19!

Phase 4B: Anyone who would like to become comfortably numb. To be clear, the vaccine won’t make you feel that way, but it could save your life.

Phase 5A: Those aged 16 or younger who think Pink Floyd is just a Sativa weed strain.

Phase 5B: Those aged 16 or younger who only like Pink Floyd ironically, we think? It’s hard to say. We’ll jab them anyway.

Phase 5C: Babies who wear Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon onesies even though they don’t yet fully appreciate concept albums.

Phase 6: All other pigs, inflatable or otherwise.

Phase 7: Teachers and the incarcerated.

Phase 8: Anyone who has seen Pink Floyd live, but The Division Bell tour.