“President Herbert Hoover signed the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act in 1930, even as many economists warned that the levies would prompt retaliatory tariffs from other countries, which is precisely what happened… Most historians look back on Smoot-Hawley as a mistake that made a bad economic climate much worse. But tariffs have a new champion in President Donald Trump.” – AP News, 4/8/25
Let’s face it: America is struggling. Gone are the days of the “Roaring Twenties” when the economy was booming, America was a manufacturing powerhouse, and gals with bob haircuts spun around speakeasy dance floors in those fun little dresses. There’s only one way to return to those glory days and make America great again, and that is why I, extremely popular and generally well-regarded president, Herbert Hoover, am signing this massive tariff bill into law.
The problem with our economy is that we’re not making things anymore. International trade has led to tight competition when it comes to consumer goods, and we have become a nation of importers rather than exporters. We must protect American manufacturing interests, and the only way to do that is by levying enormous tariffs on every single thing we import from every single country on Earth. As far as I’m concerned, this move only has upside—I can’t for the life of me see how antagonizing the entire globe could backfire in any way. How could slapping a 104 percent tariff on German imports possibly lead to anything bad? What’s the Weimar Republic gonna do? Rapidly militarize? Besides, if I, contender for best president of all time, Herbert Hoover, am known for anything, it’s that nothing I do ever famously backfires.
Every economist I spoke with told me that imposing sweeping tariffs on the entire world would lead to retaliatory tariffs that would grind international trade to a halt, causing American exports to plummet and thus sink us further into the depression. In fact, over a thousand economists wrote me a joint letter to that exact effect. But I didn’t become a universally beloved paragon of good decision making by heeding the unanimous consensus of experts.
It’s that same iconoclastic spirit that has prompted me to slash government spending and reject repeated calls to give Americans government aid to ease their suffering and help pull us out of this economic downturn. As a conservative, I believe the government has no business engaging in socialist programs like food aid when we could instead be slashing taxes to incentivize America’s business moguls to invest in new factories that will create jobs. I’m confident that concentrating wealth in the hands of fewer and fewer powerful elites will yank us out of this funk that future historians will probably label a "tiny economic hiccup.”
In fact, there are already signs that my presidency is ushering in a new era of innovation and prosperity. Millions of Americans across the country are creating affordable housing communities unburdened by overbearing government regulations and building safety standards. These thriving residential districts have been named “Hoovervilles,” no doubt to honor me for my brilliant efforts to get our economy buzzing again. This is the sort of thing you can expect more of during my presidency, which I’m confident will be known for being the best time to ever live in America.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m on my way to sign a bill into law that will brutally crack down on immigration from countries we don’t feel embody American values. The last thing American businesses need to lift us out of this depression is a larger customer base and an influx of dependable labor.