Please do not talk around the copier. People are working nearby.
Please do not put dirty dishes in the dishwasher without first unloading the clean dishes.
Please refrain from heating fish in the microwave. Even if you sneak out of the kitchen and eat it at your desk, we all know it was you.
Please do not grab ice with your bare hands. The germs may be sleeping when you freeze them, but they will warm up and move around in an unsuspecting victim’s mouth and make them sick because you couldn’t be bothered to use the tongs.
Please do not ask the receptionist why she isn’t “using” her college degree.
Please do not ask the receptionist why your “thing” won’t print only to discover upon further inspection that there was no paper in the printer.
Please do not ask the receptionist to fix your computer instead of the IT department.
Please do not ask the receptionist how to use a FedEx envelope despite your PhD.
Please do not ask the receptionist to call a cab and then when the cab gets there tell her the cab was not needed after all and then leave her to deal with the angry underpaid cab driver who waited ten minutes for nothing.
Please do not ask the receptionist why she looks so tired.
Please do not tell the receptionist that her clothes are a little casual when you haven’t been able to locate a hairbrush in what seems like months.
Please refrain from throwing your soda cans in the garbage, despite your theories that no one really recycles and it’s all just a façade to make us think the city is being environmentally responsible when really it’s not. If that’s the way the world works, the receptionist kindly requests to get off.
Please refrain from discussing your bonuses in front of others. Some are tied to temp agencies and therefore the closest they come to a bonus is a greeting card featuring a cat playing with a ball of yarn in front of a Christmas tree, despite the fact that said receptionist is Jewish.
Please refrain from watering the plants. The receptionist waters the plants regularly. They are dying because we work in a high rise with no sunlight and fresh air.
Please refrain from insinuating the receptionist looks like she is dying. She spends a lot of time and money on makeup.
Please do not make snide comments regarding the state of the receptionist’s desk. Instead of cleaning her own mess, she is constantly busy cleaning up yours.
Please refrain from asking the receptionist when she will have children.
Please refrain from asking the receptionist why she won’t have children.
Please refrain from asking the receptionist personal questions in general, as if by being paid less, she is like a fun monkey that you can poke and exercise Schadenfreude upon, because your own life is admittedly pretty sad as well.
Please do not ask the receptionist why she looks dead. The answer is obvious. You have killed her.