20,000 BCE
The first thirst traps were rudimentary paintings of animals on cave walls, because at the time, owning livestock was a way to attract followers. Alternatives included having access to clean drinking water and being able to throw a spear.
3000 BCE
This period marked the emergence of written captions to accompany posts. It is common knowledge among historians that the first cuneiform characters to accompany a semi-nude figure read: “Self-Acceptance Is A Journey! #blessed #fitfam”
1000 BCE
Thirsty posts were created by carving erotic murals where everyone’s heads were facing the same direction. A fun fact is that during this era, people boinked doggy-style ONLY.
300 BCE
This period saw the proliferation of dick pics made out of tiles. Making a realistic penis out of tiles was actually a great achievement, because have you seen tiles? They suck.
100 BCE
Shipping a decorative rug to your lover was common, as was shipping yourself to your lover in a decorative rug.
500-1000 CE
Sexy decorative art flourished via the Sexiest Pottery competition in Calabasas, in which the Mayan Empire, Tang Dynasty, and Pratihara Dynasty all sent their best artists to compete for dominance. Usually, the winner of Sexiest Pottery had at least one person slide into the DMs. Usually.
1100s
Feudal peasants were allowed to create alluring self-portraits using various grains and a glue-stick.
1300s
This century was the stomping ground of the ultimate thirst trap: surviving the plague. This is why, even today, “sexy plague doctor” remains a popular Halloween costume.
1400s
The invention of the printing press allowed the dissemination of images of hot people dying in the eternal lake of fire while clinging to animal-shaped pool floaties.
1500s
A preliminary social network emerged during the Renaissance, in which artists explicitly shared their nudes by painting on the walls of the Vatican. If you were not an artist, you could also project your availability by hosting a public execution of your wife.
Late 1500s
A classic thirsty post was writing a list of complaints and nailing it to the door of a nearby church with the message: “The only thing that can fill THIS ass? The spirit of Christ!”
1600s
It became common to use a dim setting and single light source in paintings to suggest a darkened, grimy bar where anything could happen. ;)
Early 1700s
The late baroque style allowed for more flagrant thirst-trapping, mainly through portraits of the commissioner wearing as many petticoats as humanly possible, but also topless, but also eating fruit, and petting birds, and holding babies, all simultaneously. Multitasking was highly valued.
Late 1700s
Influencers used fashion to make bold political statements, for example, by purchasing a “Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité” crop top with a portion of the proceeds going to charity.
Early 1800s
Seduction was primarily textual in this period, during which it was easiest to simply write a 500-page novel for potential partners to ridicule when you stepped out of the drawing room. Also acceptable: an entire symphony named after a rock.
Late 1800s
As cameras came into wider use, the first erotic selfies emerged: the kind where to get enough exposure you have to stand in the sun for two hours wearing your best pasties.
1920s
All images that could be considered thirst traps were made of Tiffany glass. If you were poor you could try beads and some shimmying instead.
1930s
Although depression style was quite uniform, it was effective: many a fedora prompted the thought, “hmm… maybe…” This proved that, hey, love could happen to you if you just got out there and weren’t a fucking weirdo.
1940s
As the war challenged gender roles, it was common practice to take a hole pic from the cockpit of a fighter plane so your lover could affectionately hang it beside her workstation.
1950s
The most effective seduction technique was to become a malt milkshake.
1960s
Hippies! Free love! Warhol! Twiggy! Groovy thirst traps in this period were righteously disseminated on polaroid photos, which were — at the end of the decade — combined into a slideshow to create the film Easy Rider.
1970s
This was the heyday of dirty magazines, so many thirsty singles became nude centerfolds for the likes of Playboy, Playgirl, Oui!, Fun Boi, Not-As-Fun-But-Still-Having-A-Good-Time-In-Her-Own-Way Gurl, Mess…, and Time. Over 60% of the global population participated in these photoshoots — ask your grandparents!
1980s
Bangs were a sign of wealth and prosperity, and were crucial in attracting a mate. The best bangs were so voluminous that they had mini-bangs of their own. This was augmented by the power of portrait photography, especially the kind with a laser-beam backdrop.
1990s
Thirst trapping during this period was subsumed by fads: acid-wash denim, Beanie Babies, and Tamagotchis all made appearances in disposable camera snapshots. Sadly, these efforts at cultivating social currency were in vain as pornography was discovered on the internet for the first time.
2000s
90% of online innuendo involved setting an AIM away message to P!nk lyrics about really feeling yourself. The higher the angle on the MySpace photo, the closer to God.
2010s
The decade of the contemporary thirst trap, which included but was not limited to: Having abs, and not being ashamed to show it; having a dog; using the photobooth at a party for a unicorn startup you knew nothing about; taking a picture of a plastic flamingo between your oiled ass cheeks and submitting it for peer review to Nature; live-streaming yourself erotically sucking a yellow popsicle, only to discover it was frozen chicken stock from a Facebook “food hack”; taking a selfie with your therapist, who told you to delete social media; deleting social media, and quietly whispering “Self-Acceptance Is A Journey #blessed #fitfam”… and then walking, slowly but surely, into the sea.