NAME: Indiana (“Indy” “Hoosier Honey”)
OCCUPATION: State
BIRTHDAY: December 11th, 18???
BIRD: Cardinal
FLOWER: Peony
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF: Well, after entering the union as the 19th state, I had a lot of success with factory-driven commerce and agriculture. I guess I started seeing Oregon a little bit after this, it wasn’t yet a state, younger than me and all that, not that I go in for that necessarily. Then Oregon became a state, maybe around 1859? I never heard from the busy Beaver State again. My good friend Calif— well, let’s just say a good friend, spotted Oregon under Washington one night and practically every day since. That hurt a lot. A LOT.
YOUR IDEAL PARTNER: A strong state, older than my last fling, not so brash. Illinois maybe? We’ve been neighbors for a long time. “Nois” knows my whole past and hasn’t run yet. Chicago is a good kid, too, loud but loves his parent.
STATE: Arizona (“The Zone”)
OCCUPATION: State (I used to be a Mexican territory, tho — quite the fiesta)
BIRTHDAY: VALENTINE’S DAY OF COURSE! Isn’t that romantic? 1912. Here’s a shout-out to New Mexico — 1912 rules!
LOWEST POINT: Breaking up with my ex? Kidding. The Colorado River at 70 feet above sea level.
FAMOUS GHOST TOWNS: Bisbee, Jerome, Tombstone. And my love life!
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF: I’m young, I’m fun, I’m all sun and I got a great tan line called the Grand Canyon! Take that Montana (private joke)! Anyhoo, I have dated quite a bit. Other states want to know me from A to Z! AZ. Seriously, I guess my most permanent thing was with Delaware some years back, sort of a May-December deal. Del kept asking when I’d lose my baby fat — you know, I’m much bigger and bulkier than my petite ex — but what Delaware didn’t understand is my mass of 114006 square miles is like a law! I can’t lose the weight, ever. Sigh. Bring on the sour cream enchiladas! :)
YOUR IDEAL PARTNER: Cute flag, good motto, big borders? Phone the Zone!!!
NAME: New York (“New York”)
OCCUPATION: Filling out damn forms.
BIRTHDAY: The 25th of none-of-your-business.
POPULATION: My business, not yours.
TREE: Plenty.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF: Order the brochure.
YOUR IDEAL PARTNER: A mountainous state, if you catch my drift. Lots of mountains. Colorado free?
Dear Indiana,
While we couldn’t find your ideal match, another state has expressed an interest in you. Hint: it begins with a North and ends with Carolina! Would you hoof it for the Tar Heel State? Please respond within 10 days and we’ll set something up. Congrats! (By the way, Illinois is seeing another state at the moment and kindly asks that you two “remain friends” for the time being — sorry to break the news.)
Dear Arizona,
Texas may be your true love. Yippee ki way to go! If that doesn’t work out, get back to us pronto about a pretty New England state that says it wants “your desert for dessert.” Curious? Call us!
Dear New York,
Colorado is free but not the best mate for you. The home of the Rockies cited air quality, crime and your inability to pick up after yourself as potential problems. That said, we did hear Hong Kong is looking for a mistress and Moscow is seeking “a little something on the side.” Game?