October 19, 2007

- - -

Alex Rodriguez will sign with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

- - -

Starting tomorrow, people all over the Northeast region of the United States will spend much of their free time raking.

- - -

Bill O’Reilly will never go out to dinner with Al Sharpton again.

- - -

The day after Thanksgiving will be busy. Plan ahead.

- - -

September 10, 2007

- - -

NFL 2007–2008 season:

(Yes, we are aware that the season started last Thursday, but we made these predictions before then. Honest.)

AFC East: Patriots
AFC North: Steelers
AFC South: Colts
AFC West: Chargers
Wild Card: Bengals, Titans

NFC East: Eagles
NFC North: Bears
NFC South: Saints
NFC West: 49ers
Wild Card: Rams, Cardinals

Super Bowl: Patriots over Saints

Super Bowl halftime show: Daughtry, Elton John, K-Ci and JoJo, 600 Chinese acrobats, and a mountain lion.

- - -

Your dinner tomorrow night:

That leftover chicken-and-broccoli thing from last week, potato salad (store-bought), and a nonjudgmental glass of Merlot.

- - -

April 6, 2006

- - -

A mild summer for most of the Southeast, and above-average precipitation for Southern California. The rest of you are on your own.

- - -

Major League Baseball Division Championships for:

NL
Milwaukee Brewers
New York Mets
Los Angeles Dodgers

AL
Toronto Blue Jays
Chicago White Sox
L.A./Anaheim Angels

- - -

MARCH MADNESS EDITION
March 16, 2006

- - -

First-round upsets:

Southern Illinois over West Virginia
Wisconsin-Milwaukee over Oklahoma
Northern Iowa over Georgetown

- - -

First No. 1 seed to lose:

Duke

- - -

Over/under on asinine things to come out of Billy Packer’s mouth:

32,475

- - -

Final Four:

Iowa
Memphis
Illinois
Boston College

- - -

March 7, 2006

- - -

The television show Lost will be canceled in three years or fewer.

- - -

The polar ice caps will melt, submerging much of the Northern Hemisphere under water, within Britney Spears’s children’s children’s lifetimes.

- - -

Some publisher (or publishers) will release a parody (or parodies) of John Grogan’s Marley & Me. At least one of them will be about a lemur.

- - -

Dick Cheney will run for emperor president.

- - -

February 27, 2006

- - -

Emily Hughes will become a Neutrogena spokesmodel. Frankly, it seems odd to us that this hasn’t already happened. It’s like she bathes in milk thrice daily.

- - -

Our roof will need replacing in the next six months. It’s original to the house and the house is 14 years old, so this seems like a dead cinch.

- - -

Good Night, and Good Luck will win the best-picture Oscar.

- - -

The final five contestants on the current season of American Idol will be:

1. Paris Bennett (the 17-year-old who nailed “Midnight Train to Georgia”)

2. Taylor Hicks (prematurely gray guy). Bonus prediction that he’ll sing a Joe Cocker song at some point during the competition.

3. Ace Young (the really, really impossibly good-looking dude)

4. Kartharine McPhee (a bit of a sleeper, but has game)

5. Either Elliott Yamin or Chris Daughtry. (This is like Constantine and Bo last year. Two men enter, one man leaves.)