California sober: No alcohol or drugs except marijuana
New York sober: No alcohol or drugs except cocaine
Kentucky sober: No alcohol or drugs except a cool, tall mint julep on a sweltering July afternoon
Oregon sober: No alcohol if it’s not an IPA
Texas sober: No alcohol except empty beer cans to shoot
Maine sober: No addictive drugs except lobster rolls
Maryland sober: No addictive drugs except crab cakes
Georgia sober: No addictive drugs except whatever Marjorie Taylor Greene is on
Oklahoma sober: No drugs, but I suspect we’d grow amazing pot
Arkansas sober: No alcohol except moonshine
Massachusetts sober: No alcohol, but I still act like an asshole
Illinois sober: Liquor? Ya got it all wrong, copper. This here’s an honest Chicago church hall, see?
Kansas sober: I just eat BBQ until I feel drunk
Missouri sober: No alcohol or drugs, but you know we were high when we decided to build our big-ass arch
Louisiana sober: No drugs or alcohol unless I’m a tourist turning a historic city into a hellhole
Idaho sober: It’s called DT-alpha, a new designer rave drug from Berlin that combines the euphoria of molly with the dissociation of a psilocybin and nitrous gas combination. Its street name is “Boise.”
Nevada sober: You’re kidding, right?
West Virginia sober: No alcohol unless I’m in a bar singing John Denver’s “Take Me Home, Country Roads”
Ohio sober: Whatever drugs JD Vance says is keeping me lazy and dumb
North Carolina sober: No alcohol or drugs except 150 billion cigarettes a year
New Hampshire sober: Our liquor laws are so confusing it’s impossible to drink here anyway
Washington: Adrenachrome
Rhode Island sober: Why? You holdin’?
Colorado sober: California already took ours
Iowa sober: You try sitting through a caucus without drinking!
Virginia sober: No alcohol or drugs until the next Whiskey Rebellion
Indiana sober: Addicted to basketball
Alabama sober: Addicted to football
Washington, D.C. sober: Addicted to any sport unless I have to change a team name to be less racist
Mississippi sober: No alcohol or drugs, but I abuse the letter “i”
Hawaii sober: I told your family I’m checking into rehab, but I’m really checking into Sandals
Pennsylvania sober: No alcohol or drugs except on Election Day, apparently
Wyoming sober: I wish I knew how to quit you (you = alcohol and drugs)
Delaware sober: No alcohol or drugs, but when Joe Biden comes home, I’m buying him a shot
Utah sober: Bitch, we invented this shit
New Mexico sober: Magic mushrooms
Connecticut sober: Cremini mushrooms
Alaska sober: No drugs or alcohol except at night (which lasts six months)
Michigan sober: Some years I lean toward drinking, some years I don’t. I’m hard to predict.
Nebraska sober: No alcohol or drugs except the high I get when I leave Nebraska
Wisconsin sober: Does anyone really consider Pabst Blue Ribbon “beer?”
Vermont sober: No drugs or alcohol with an ABV above one percent of the top one percent of the top one percent
Tennessee sober: Not sure, but “Tennessee Sober” is an amazing title for a country song
New Jersey sober: What are you, my fucking doctor?
Montana sober: No cigarettes unless I’m rolling my own, hombre
Minnesota sober: No alcohol or drugs except the steroids Jesse Ventura legalized
North Dakota sober: No alcohol or drugs, but if I’m caught I blame it on South Dakota
South Dakota sober: No alcohol or drugs, but if I’m caught I blame it on North Dakota
Arizona sober: No alcohol or drugs, but if I’m caught I blame it on immigration
South Carolina sober: No alcohol or drugs unless I’m riding a Sea-Doo
Florida sober: Not sober