1. John Edwards, Senator, North Carolina
Pro: Charismatic public speaker
Con: Not likely to deliver home state, may outshine Kerry
2. John McCain, Senator, Arizona
Pro: Independent thinker, veteran, may draw Republican votes
Con: Is a Republican, disagrees with Kerry on most things
3. Bob Kerrey, former Senator, Nebraska
Pro: As 9/11 Commission member, earned reputation as tough but fair
Con: May be considered nepotism for John Kerry to nominate his own brother
4. Bill Clinton, former President
Pro: Oh man, that would be awesome—could you imagine? He’d be all like Yeah, I’m back, so suck on this, y’all and everyone would be all No way and he’d be all Way
Con: None
5. Bob Graham, Senator, Florida
Pro: Decades-long career as America’s most popular evangelist could deliver Christians and conservatives
Con: Invented the graham cracker, which, frankly, isn’t that great
6. Max Cleland, former Senator, Georgia
Pro: Close Kerry confidant, fellow Vietnam vet
Con: Got ass kicked by a guy named “Saxby”
7. Paul Tsongas, former Senator, Massachusetts
Pro: Fiscal conservative, appeal could cross party lines
Con: From same state as Kerry, died in 1997
8: H. Ross Perot, businessman, Texas
Pro: Hilarity
Con: None
9. No one; anywhere
Pro: Would allow voters to concentrate on Kerry
Con: Would not deliver a state, raise money, or do anything, due to lack of existence
10. Nancy Pelosi, Representative and House Minority Leader, California
Pro: Could lure disenchanted liberal voters who might otherwise go with Nader
Con: As a liberal, hates America, would make religion illegal, raise taxes by 500 percent, move Capitol to France
11. Blanche Lincoln, Senator, Arkansas
Pro: Combines best elements of Blanche DuBois and Abraham Lincoln
Con: No Democrat from Arkansas has ever won national election
12. Bob Menendez, Representative, New Jersey
Pro: Could solidify shaky support in New Jersey, lure Latino voters
Con: Along with brother Lyle, murdered parents
13. Dan Quayle, former Senator, Indiana
Pro: Possessed of Robert Redford-style good looks, energetic
Con: None
14. Ann Coulter, columnist
Pro: Flattering position would silence her exposing of the true evil liberal agenda
Con: Is composed entirely of spiders and deadly snakes writhing beneath a latex “skin”
15. Shaquille O’Neal, basketball player, California
Pro: Can clog up the middle, blocks shots, requires alteration of opposing team’s game plan
Con: Free-throw shooting still an issue, recalcitrant
16. Joseph Biden, Senator, Delaware
Pro: Articulate speaker, respected among Democratic leadership
Con: Delaware is a protectorate, not a state, therefore constitutionally ineligible
17. Ashton Kutcher, actor, California
Pro: Could “punk” Bush campaign with crazy pranks, make them think their president plane got stoled, and then he could yell “Punk’d!” and it would be funny
Con: Sucks
18. A big pile of fudge; all over
Pro: Tasty, particularly enjoyed by women and increasingly obese nation
Con: Perishable, nonsentient, lackluster in debates and speeches
19. Fourteen dogs from Ohio; Ohio
Pro: Everyone loves dogs, each dog could be different, like one’s a mean dog and one’s a cute dog and one wears glasses and looks like a computer-whiz dog, could deliver swing state
Con: So many dogs could mean diluted message, can’t talk
20. Jesus, Messiah, Nazareth
Pro: Would put Bush in uncomfortable position of attacking his personal Lord and Savior, could redefine Christianity instantly for political gain, likable
Con: Mythical