“It’s all right to tell a man to lift himself by his own bootstraps, but it is cruel jest to say to a bootless man that he ought to lift himself by his own bootstraps.”
— Martin Luther King Jr.
Classic Leather Bootstraps
We’re seeing a lot of yummy brown leather this season, and these sturdy bootstraps are no exception. These bootstraps are as versatile as they are functional, making them a great option for pulling yourself out of systemic poverty with ease.
Hand-Sewn Bootstraps For Her
These bootstraps transition seamlessly from a day of fighting gender discrimination and sexual harassment to a night of mending clothes by the light of a single votive candle to support your newborn child. Try them in periwinkle!
Bootstraps Made of Disappointing Report Cards
Are you seven years old and struggling to learn English as a second language? Perhaps you’ve been dealt the tricky hand of a learning disability. Either way, repurpose your disappointing school report cards into a pair of trendy bootstraps. These bootstraps are hand-wash only; even then, they’re likely to crumble, much like your resolve beneath the crushing weight of an educational system that favors white children with the means to purchase frivolously-shaped erasers that don’t even erase all that well.
Bootstraps Made of Crusty Macaroni Noodles
Any passionate bootstrap connoisseur will acknowledge the importance of fashion above all other concerns — even feeding one’s family. These bootstraps, lovingly handcrafted with the last remaining macaroni noodles in your bare pantry, are great conversation starters. Surprisingly durable, these macaroni bootstraps will withstand hours of pacing back and forth as you fret about paying your electric bills.
Bootstraps Made of Unpaid Electric Bills
These uniquely textured bootstraps are unexpected — just like the sudden darkness you’ll experience when the electric company shuts off your lights. What these bootstraps lack in durability, they make up for in style. Unfortunately, that won’t be quite enough to pull yourself above the poverty line. Luckily, these intriguing accessories are the perfect solace when you’re huddled in an overcrowded apartment without heat or financial security.
Invisible Bootstraps
You’ll love the invigorating rush of air on your bare ankles as you pantomime pulling yourself up by these invisible bootstraps, featuring modern design perfect for bootless bootstrap lovers. True, they won’t get you a job — or even a basic level of societal respect. However, these lightweight bootstraps are perfect for springing into warmer weather. They’re crafted by combining a large gust of wind with the steadily mounting despair and hopelessness of America’s working class. What are you waiting for? Quit feeling sorry for yourself and pull it on up!