I didn’t want to cross the room to put you in MMA sleeper hold, but you didn’t give me a choice, did you? I just wanted to come to my favorite watering hole, have a drink with the guys, and watch the 1985 Canadian made-for-television classic Anne of Green Gables on the big screen like I do every Sunday.

But, nooooo. Instead, I’ve got to listen to some jerk at the end of the bar spout off about how Anne with an E on Netflix is “truer to the original spirit of the books” and how Megan Follows’ performance of the plucky orphan of Avonlea isn’t “winsome and charming” but rather, “corny and mawkish.”

Are you fucking kidding me with that bullshit, bro?

When you said, “Anne was in need of a gritty reboot, in my opinion,” I let it go.

When you claimed, “the decision to have Matthew Cuthbert almost take his own life was believable and justified,” I gritted my teeth and took it.

But when I heard you say, “That Amybeth McNulty is a good little actress  —  way better than the ‘old one’ from the ’80s…”

No. FUCK NO. I said to myself, Sully, there’s one sumbitch in need of a sleeper hold.

Go ahead and squirm all you like… but listen here, pal: This is a Megan Follows bar. You don’t come to the goddamn Avonlea Alehouse and start shit-talking Megan Fucking Follows unless you want someone to take you the fuck out, like Anne did to Gilbert Blythe when he called her, “Carrots.” Savvy?

So, repeat after me and say, “Megan Follows is the best Anne of Green Gables,” and maybe, just maybe, your windpipe will make it out of this in one piece.

Stubborn, eh.

Just like Marilla Cuthbert. But, as Marilla learned, all the stubbornness in the world is defenseless against Megan’s sunny portrayal of our beloved red-headed orphan of Prince Edward Island.

OK, last chance pal. Say, “Megan Follows is the best Anne of Green Gables” and I’ll let you walk out of here with your head held high  —  just like Anne held hers when she was accepted to Queens Academy.

Come on! Say it! Say you recognize that Anne with an E injected a kind of ham-fisted and phony woke sensibility into this already perfect tale of female empowerment and discovery! SAY IT.

No? Hm. Well, you don’t back down easily, do you? I respect that.

Could it be that this enemy has the potential to be a kindred spirit?

Come on, pal! Let’s bury the hatchet. Raspberry cordials on me!

But seriously, bro, Anne with an E is straight-up shit and if you keep it up I will personally hand you your kneecaps and piss fire in your eyeballs.