8:55 a.m. Arrive at office. Hang jacket on sunshine-shaped hook with name on it. Put snack in cubbyhole. Sing “Good Morning” song with co-workers.
9:04 a.m. Forward hilarious e-mail to everyone in address book. Subject line: “Poo-poo.”
9:10 a.m. Take spreadsheets out of Star Wars backpack. Stretch out on floor and begin making notations with crayon.
9:15 a.m. Drink juice box.
9:25 a.m. Spend hour lining up office supplies on desk in perfect straight line. Toy with idea of sorting them by color but get distracted by imaginary conversation between stapler and three-hole punch. Complicated scenario ensues involving a lion, a puppy, and the mommy Hi-Liter kissing the daddy Hi-Liter.
10:40 a.m. Randy from accounting drops by and “borrows” pen with the springy pink feather on top. Grab pen back. Scream in each other’s faces until Randy takes a swing with copy of Needs-Assessment Analysis. Supervisor intervenes and sends Randy to the smoke room for a time-out.
11:05 a.m. Intend to begin debugging online program for cross-referencing customer demographics. Get caught up in Polly Pocket website instead.
12:00 p.m. Lunch. Trade PB&J for tuna with Jerry from human resources. Friendly banter about who could take who in a fight: the Poky Little Puppy or the Cat in the Hat. Notice Donna is wearing Finding Nemo T-shirt for fourth straight day.
1:00 p.m. Write up statistical profile of user satisfaction based on regional trends. Entitle report “I Like Flowers.”
1:30 p.m. Naptime.
2:12 p.m. Staff meeting proves unproductive due to constant requests to go pee.
2:40 p.m. Telephone headquarters to discuss department budget for upcoming fiscal year. While talking, draw picture of house. Feel special pride in the way the smoke spirals out of chimney. Tape picture to wall next to trophy for company T-ball championship.
3:00 p.m. Attend mandatory Employees’ Committee workshop entitled “Ear Infections Are EVERYBODY’S Business.” Session comes to abrupt halt when VP of finance jams eraser up nose.
3:30 p.m. E-mail from director of marketing: “I’m not accusing anyone but my blanky was in the copy room and now it’s not. I hope whoever ‘accidentally’ took it will please return it, no questions asked. Otherwise I’m telling.”
4:05 p.m. Ask Marco in adjoining cubicle to stop making “vroom-vroom” noises when he moves the mouse.
4:45 p.m. Try to duck out early, thus avoiding mandatory singing of “Cleanup” song with co-workers. Busted by supervisor, who announces that no one is leaving until everyone is sitting quietly.
4:55 p.m. Retrieve jacket from hook. Supervisor helps with zipper. Wave bye-bye to Cheryl at the front desk. Step into elevator. Press all the buttons.
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The Best of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency