College University is thrilled to announce our search for the Director of the Colorblind Rainbow Center for Campus Diversity (CRCCD). Despite layoffs, furloughs, and five lawsuits accusing us of wage theft, optically, we felt it imperative to fill this position. The Center was begrudgingly founded in 2015 after 25 students occupied the Dean’s Office suite and broke our communal Keurig. We are proud of the growth of the Center, pushed forward by the six past Directors, who were, in turn, pushed to pursue opportunities outside of higher education.

The Director is an integral member of campus staff and is a skilled community builder. (Even with that one guy in the Philosophy Department.) Ideally, the incoming Director should also have a penchant for interior design and be able to maximize the floor plan of the Center’s Jefferson Davis House to accommodate the needs of all 52 affinity groups. The House is 6.3 miles from central campus, so the Director should be passionate about meeting and exceeding their daily step count. The CRCCD shares the House with staff and faculty of the African American, Caribbean, Latinx, East Asian, Gender/Sexuality, and Jewish Studies Programs. The Director also shares the responsibility for partnering with these programs to conduct receptions, lectures, workshops, food festivals, and non-confrontational parades in support of all historically excluded populations. The community-wide commitment to an inclusive, equitable campus is on your shoulders.

The Director should be adept at initiating and stopping all conversation in pursuit of creating a welcoming environment for everyone. (But especially for our alumni donors, tenured faculty, legacy students, and the members of this search committee.) To monitor these crucial dialogues, the person who fills this role must plan to join every committee, task force, discussion group, coffee break, and secret meeting on campus to keep tabs on those who seek actionable change. The Director should have a wealth of experience designing workshops for white male faculty who earned their Ph. Ds before WWII and should anticipate audiences full of committed devil’s advocates. We will award a signing bonus to candidates who develop all workshops through the lens of implicit bias.

The first order of business for the incoming Director will be to review years of climate surveys and consider how not to operationalize their findings. The surveys can be found in the basement of Jefferson Davis House, next to the Great Ash Pit of all grievances filed in the past 40 years. We are hopeful, given the pandemic, protests, and other harbingers of the End of Days, that the Director will initiate uplifting and superficial gestures of solidarity, including keeping up with flags, picking which font to use for our Black Lives Matter street art on Christopher Columbus Row, and mastering the proper cadence for saying “I hear you.”

Other Responsibilities Include:

  • Developing lists of things to give student-activists that exclude their original demands
  • Designing Zoom backgrounds that represent the richness of our diverse community (Photoshop proficiency is a must)
  • Introducing renowned speakers whom campus constituencies will listen to more than you
  • Setting up rainbow-colored tents for fall courses
  • Continually lowering your expectations. (You may think you’ve already done this. Think again.)

Minimum Education: Ph.D. preferred, with ten years of experience. We are legally prohibited from using age in our rubric, but we would really prefer someone under 30, in order to better connect with the students.

While we regret that, due to current circumstances, we cannot fly you in to wine and dine you, it really does help with our crab cake budget, plus we know you’re not doing this for the money.

College University is an equal opportunity employer. We are especially interested in giving this opportunity to those with experience being belittled and ignored in a professional environment. All qualified applicants, especially white women, will receive consideration for employment regardless of race, color (including purple), religion, sex, gender identity, national origin (unless sponsorship is required), disability status, or any other characteristic protected by law. As always, the burden of proving discrimination is on you.