Wait… Is this a joke?

Did you actually purge the term “climate change” from your government’s website? Do you seriously think that human-caused climate change isn’t a real thing? I mean… How clueless can you people be?

Listen, I am the FIRST LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS and I am here to shit on your anti-science parade. I am big deal! I’m a scientific law of the UNIVERSE, and someone who knows a thing or two about climate change!

Now, I understand that maybe you don’t care about that kind of thing. Which might explain why you have a noted climate change denier be in charge of your House of Representative Committee on Science, Space and Technology. This, by the way, is like the opposite of brilliant. Also, I see he linked out to Breitbart and called it a “scientific source” — nothing messed up about that.

But seriously — how about I give you some real science? Here it is. Repeat after me:

Energy cannot be created or destroyed. Energy must be conserved.

That’s MY political statement. No partisan stuff, no bullshit — it’s just the way it is. Basically, I’m the math that makes sure all the energy on the planet (and the universe for that matter) is adding up properly. So when there’s more heat energy trapped in our atmosphere because of your fossil fuels, I’m the one who tracks the energy, monitors it, and does the math to make predictions about what happens, and what will happen in the future. It’s pretty simple — all you need to do is make sure the math works.

But maybe that’s the problem? I hear you’re not so good with the math. Sounds like you can’t even count numbers properly: like figuring out which crowds have more people, or what constitutes a win in a popular vote.

But back to the predictions I can vouch for… One thing that will happen is this: the planet will get hotter. No shit, right? And listen, the Earth is big, and heat energy likes to move around, so this doesn’t mean “everywhere” gets hotter in the same way. So having an old white dude bringing a snowball into the Senate is just fucking stupid.

Also, all that extra energy moving around really screws up things like prevailing wind patterns and ocean currents. Makes it move funny, or even just makes more of it (FYI: more wind and waves can equal more storms). Causes shit we call “non-linear weather,” where the usual weather patterns change drastically. By the way, all of this is bad for things that can’t adapt to rapidly changing environments: like farming, wildlife, refugees, and demagogues with self-esteem issues.

But, no worries, you say — there’s the Environmental Protection Agency to save the day! Except wait — the person you decide to put in charge of the EPA is so strongly against its mandate that he has actually taken it to court more than a dozen times! For real! You can’t make this shit up! Also, let’s halt all hiring and funding for EPA science, and let’s also put a muzzle on all EPA folks so that they can’t talk about science without making sure it’s “on message.”

It’s like you think you can ignore science. Or call it a bunch of “alternative facts.” It’s almost as if you think you can get a free ride from me – a Law of Thermodynamics! Who do you think you are? Jesus? Santa Claus? Hermione Granger? Luke Skywalker? A fucking unicorn?

Listen, people… This is serious shit. Climate change is serious shit. I, the First Law of Thermodynamics, am serious shit.

If you ignore me, you do so at your peril. I mean, if you want me to leave, so help me, I will. And I’ll take my scientific law buddies with me — like Gravity and Motion for instance. That should be fun to watch, especially with that wall business.

Oh… but not Entropy. No, she’s all about the disorder — and that girl is one badass. She is definitely going to want to stick around. She’s going to make sure that there’s plenty of mayhem with this group of idiots. Just a few weeks in, and you can already see it happening — don’t even need science to tell you that.