“The idea behind [Swedish Death Cleaning] is simple: At a certain point in your life, you should stop accumulating more stuff and start dealing with the stuff you’ve already accumulated so your loved ones won’t have to do it after you’re gone.” – Lifehacker
Life is temporary, but Swedish Death Metal is forever. We, the members of the band Bloodstained Odin, will help you destroy all the shit in your house so you can die on a pile of broken litter. You will be remembered not as a part-time math teacher at Nieblas Middle School, but as a demigod who stayed true to their mission of destroying shit instead of subscribing to society’s fucked-up rules about getting organized.
Do you ever use this dining room table? You paused in answering, so our lead singer, Erik (also plays rhythm guitar), has started destroying it with a Fiskars-brand thirty-six-inch axe. Who knows where you will eat dinner tonight, but it is plain to see where your glorious corpse will lie: on a temple of splintered stained pine under this horribly suburban hanging lamp. Hail Satan.
What is the deal with the sofa? Is it something you feel fückin’ rad about? You say you bought it last year, and given your part-time teacher’s salary, it was an extravagant purchase? Pathetic. Our drummer, Anders, has dragged it out to the street and set it on fire with gasoline we found in your garage.
We will tackle the garage later. But for now, your couch is taken care of. Hail Anders.
You live alone. Our lead guitarist, Oskar, smashed all your dishes, glasses, and bowls except for one dish, glass, and bowl. He did it with his guitar. It was awesome. You got angry, which also looked awesome. It will be in slow motion when the episode airs.
Just a reminder: you signed a release.
You have so many clothes. Are all these clothes being worn by you, or are they here for nostalgia’s sake? Do not bother answering because they have all been thrown onto your couch, which, as you know, is on fire in the street.
Why have you kept these many boxes of photographs? I do not care. The answer is that you were saving them for this very day, when they would be bagged up and taken to our friend Nils’s video studio. It is there the photos of your friends and family will rain down upon Bloodstained Odin as we shoot the video for our song “All Fallen Mortals Are Sad Shame.” It will look killer, and your friends and loved ones will live on forever on our YouTube page, which has 527 subscribers.
Remember when I said we would take care of your garage later? Anders and Oskar are wearing latex devil masks and smashing into it with enormous rented tractors.
Stop running around in the street, yelling about how you are only in your thirties and in good health. Go back inside. You will notice a stylish Scandinavian sparse sense of open space. It is accented by a makeshift funeral pyre formed by the remains of your American dining table. The one that had no design sense whatsoever.
I also just poured a bucket of blood we bought from a local butcher all over your books. It will please you to hear that it looked fückin’ rad on camera. You will see it in the episode, at about fifteen minutes in.
On the wall above the bloodstained bookshelf, there is a giant framed photograph of your couch and clothes burning in the street. The art department had it made within the hour. It is amazing how fast a production team can make things happen. It took almost four months to get my poster of Tobias from the band Ghost framed. But for you, they did it inside of a day. Hail Bonnie, Stu, and Linda.
You are living in the now, thanks to Bloodstained Odin. You had no idea this process would be so cleansing. You feel lighter, and you are in the moment. You refuse to say any of this on camera, but deep down in your tortured soul, you are very grateful to us for this fückin’ rad process. We have forever changed you.
Varsågod!