My hairnet is made out of two-hundred safety pins. My uniform has an underboob window and an overboob window. I am middle-aged (twenty-six) and will straight-up serve your kid a pot brownie. I am the lunch lady at East Highland high school. I do not give a fuck.

Listen, times are rough. These children struggle with mental illness, abusive familial and romantic relationships, and drug addiction. Worst of all, the only chill one is BB. Trust me, on the show you’ve only seen half of it. We have a ninth-grader named Turbo who just runs around eating paint out of a yogurt tube.

Here’s this week’s menu.

Monday
Steak with Root Vegetable Coulis and Vape Reduction on Ektachrome
Monday’s lunch will be a symbolic medium-rare steak with a root vegetable coulis and a vape reduction (watermelon berry flavor). The steak will be shot on 35mm film.

Tuesday
“Why Are There Shrimp Tails in My Cereal?” Cereal
Not only technically difficult—the cereal will have to be dry-coated with dehydrated shrimp powder—but also conceptually involved, this will be a conversation starter. Only later in life will these disaffected teens realize I am gustatorily referencing a meme from when they were twelve. You learn a lot as you grow up, and not all of it is useful.

Wednesday
Chicken Nuggets Shaped Like Penises with Kahlua on the Rocks
Who really cares? These kids are surrounded by dicks anyway.

Thursday
Tab of Molly with Crush’s Name on It
This is the most time-intensive culinary achievement of the week. First, I will wake at dawn and head to the farmer’s market to locally source the molly fresh from growers. Then, I’ll spend two hours on TikTok to get an idea of what’s going on with the student body. Yes, it’s an algorithmic feed, but I’m looking for vibes, not specifics. First and second periods are spent making up various couples who would be cute together while the molly blooms. I use a 180-proof Sharpie for the names so that when the kids get a whiff, they understand I am speaking to them on their level.

Friday
Pizza Day
I’ll be attending an ayahuasca retreat this weekend so couldn’t be bothered. Best of luck to the Little Caesars delivery driver.

A la carte (weekdays)

  • Cookie (comes with free montage) $0.50
  • Baby Bell cheese (string cheese banned after FCC complaint) $1.00
  • I yell at the kid like my mom would and tell them to get a grip. $1.50

Things are bad enough without being served uninspired food, and if your child’s mood swings on whether they receive the foie gras au splooge or the bikini-top-strained fried mozzarella, that’s your problem. I don’t want to hear any talk-back from parents, or I’ll give your kid a normal lunch (four fish sticks, canned green beans, and a carton of milk) just to mess with them.

Don’t like it? Then try remote learning. Now get out of here before I get a backstory.