I’m soooo sorry I haven’t been to brunch in a while. I miss you girls!!! With my internship at a boutique start-up during the day and my indoor cycling classes at night, my schedule has been cray. What am I drinking? Oh this, it’s super good. It’s from the Smoothie Believers place around the corner. You girls have to try it. I first stopped by because I was mostly thirsty but also a little hungry. And the Smoothie Believers, they took me in, and we’re a family now.

What? Val! It is not a cult! It’s just a super delicious smoothie place! Their berry smoothie is so good, it’s got blueberries, blackberries, raspberries and they mix it with the most delicious almond butter and also we all get new names. You guys know me as “Kimberly” but next week I’ll be “Kale Pear Banana Cashew Butter Splash of Stevia,” and the crazy thing is it feels like that’s always been my name.

So, what have you girls been up to? Beach vacay? Fun! I have been so busy running around, liquidating my assets, and filling up my smoothie punch card. Yeah, you heard me correctly — the Smoothie Believers have a PUNCH CARD! Once you buy ten smoothies you get entered into a sweepstakes to go on a cruise!! It’s amazeballs. They put all the winners on a ship and take them out to sea and then you spend the next six years diving for watermelons. The Smoothie Believers know that’s where melons really come from, the water. And the government is trying to cover it up. Think about it, why would they call them watermelons if they didn’t come from water? I can’t wait to go. Everyone who comes back from the cruise looks so healthy and so quiet.

Hmmm… that’s a good question, Val. That’s definitely something to ask the Smoothie General. He loves logic puzzles. The Smoothie General? He’s the manager of the store but he also carriers a machete. He’s sooo cute. He was born in a bushel of strawberries and he’s got eight wives, same as the number of grapes you can hold in one hand. We should stop by there after brunch cuz he’d love to meet you girls! Plus, I bet he’ll give you some free swag. The Smoothie Believers have the best swag. They just got these new tanks that are made of a super light microfiber with the image of a skull and cross bones but it’s super cute because the scull is actually a pineapple and the bone parts are very accurate renderings of human bones. I bought all six colors and when I didn’t have cash they let me pay for them in secrets. #Blessed!

Val, what do you mean I’m sweating like crazy? We should def split the chips and guac. Do you guys want — oh, it’s 3:33 pm, give me one sec. Can I stand on this chair? When it comes to pineapples look for golden color and sweet scent. Corn should never be broken, certainly not bent. A ripe eggplant should be tight and elastic, never soft. My body is my harvest and with my fruit I’m never lost. On April 11th, 2045 a giant blender is going to come down from space and we’re all gonna fuck in it. A blender from space and we’re all gonna fuck in it! A blender from space and we’re all gonna fuck in it! Blender! Space! Fuckin it!

So what are you gals thinking of ordering? Val, you’re going paleo? Don’t you think that’s a little extreme?