“In a 2020 podcast interview discussing the benefits of grandparents in children’s lives, J. D. Vance agrees when the host says, ‘That’s the whole purpose of the postmenopausal female.’” — Vanity Fair
Sure, I might be a childless cat lady with a solid career as a quantitative analyst, but Senator Vance and a podcast host researching the theory of everything have helped me see the lack of meaning in my existence, so I’m applying to become your child’s surrogate grandmother, with my husband’s approval.
As someone who studied hard, worked late, and allowed myself to be interrupted more times than even I, a researcher, can count in order to get to where I am today, I understand your wife’s need to work, but in my role as your child’s surrogate grandmother, I would offer the added benefit of being a mentor and a model for what your wife can expect once she experiences menopause. I can also help her to see, as I do now, that the purpose of a woman’s life is far greater than a career.
What matters is not a 401k portfolio, the “Women on Wall Street” acknowledgments, or the quotes in Barron’s. It’s not about a prewar apartment or even my husband or our cat, though I often ask what on earth am I here for now that I no longer menstruate and Mr. Mittens is seventeen? What will my combined PhD/MBA and financial portfolio be worth when I have no stake in the future of my country? Most animals don’t live beyond menstruation anyway, except the Orca, whose postmenopausal females are leaders of the hunting pack and valued for their life skills or whatever, but I’m not an Orca. I’m a postmenopausal woman.
As a research quantitative analyst, I assure you that engaging in the neoliberal economic nightmare of hiring a nanny or putting a baby in daycare would not result in your child having a purposeful life. I also know that no amount of financial compensation compares to the free labor of a postmenopausal woman providing childcare. Despite having been unable to bear children myself, which J. D. Vance’s wife says absolves me from being responsible for ruining the country, I am apparently biologically oriented to care for newborn life, and I assume your own poor mothers have either died or are cold-hearted radical leftists who insist on staying in the workplace past their expiration date instead of raising your child.
In terms of my experience, I have a sterling reputation at a well-known banking firm, where I was promoted to senior analyst and then research manager, but I’ll never become director of research because I don’t smile enough when presenting data. Also, because I am female. There are few women past forty in the company and certainly no one else post-menstruation. Sure, some left because they went to work at less sexist firms while a few “pivoted” to antiques dealing in Connecticut, but I believe the others have embraced their true purpose and traded in tailored Theory pantsuits and Max Mara overcoats for cute sweaters, comfortable shoes, an L.L. Bean parka, and a chance to smile more (at their grandbabies).
Having been unable to use my lady parts for their intended purpose and having never known the peace of “normal” suburban women who care nothing about abortion, I believe being a surrogate grandmother is the chance to learn what my misguided mother never taught me when she was pushing me to become high school valedictorian and inspiring me to graduate summa cum laude from UCLA.
Because I bore no children, my mother had no chance to live her own postmenopausal purpose, but were she still alive, I know she’d be proud that I finally understand why I still exist: to help you! I will do all the classic things grandparents do to make grandbabies into better humans, and since I don’t sleep anymore (thanks, menopause), I will be wide awake at 3 a.m. and ready to feed, rock, and change the baby instead of doom-scrolling through social media.
I mean, who wouldn’t want to trade research meetings for sing-a-longs, pilates for baby yoga, and lunch at Ci Siamo for smoothies and toilet-training discussions at the tot lot? My corporate networking experience will help me find fellowship with the other grandmothers looking to escape career prisons as we embrace the mission of a postmenopausal woman’s purpose-driven life. We may also start a book club.
In conclusion, I would be thrilled to work with your expanding team and to help advance the strategic goal of increasing your genetic footprint. I should add that I am only interested in being your surrogate grandmother if we share family values and understand the inherent structural and policy choices behind the two and a half million children experiencing homelessness each year, the three million who don’t have health insurance, and the over thirteen million who experience food insecurity. If grandmothers can pause busy careers to stay home to watch children, and billionaires can launch rockets and swap social media companies on a whim, then schools can give everyone free lunch, and we can find housing and health care for kids, right?
Or at least that’s what I think, but I am just a postmenopausal childless cat lady hoping to be your child’s surrogate grandmother.