“Help!” he said. “I’ve been poisoned!”
1. Evil Genius: That’s correct. Now hand over the statuette and I’ll give you the map to the antidote.
2. Spouse: My mother was right about you.
3. Rogue buddy cop: I’ll get the bastards who did this.
4. Marketing VP: Think changing the name would help?
5. Nurse at admissions desk: Insurance?
6. Shakespeare: As Portia did portend!
7. Trusted companion: Bark! Bark!
8. Bobby from 2nd Grade: Help! I’ve been poisoned!
9. Cannibal: That’s not a problem. The poison boils off.
10. Tobacco executive: Not to my knowledge.
11. Tactless roommate: Can I get your share of the rent?
12. Funny Gay Friend sitcom character: Tell me about it, that jacket’s making me sick, too!
13. Backup singers: He’s Poi-soned! Ooh yeah!