The Resistance Will Be Brought to You By Pepsi

Are you thirsty for a protest movement so stripped of context and meaning that it looks like an elementary school play about the ’60s? Well, we’ve got your quencher right here. We at PepsiCo are opportunistically thrilled and financially agog at declaring ourselves the unofficial sponsor of The Resistance! Welcome all attractive protesters ages 12-24 with a secondary target of those 25-44 year old heads of household with an annual income above $55K!

We will be rolling out a fully branded PepsiCo-opted Protest-a-palooza Experience®, packed with Pepsi ArrestingFacts™, 7-Up Drink Up to Rise Up® refreshment centers, along with Doritos #AllChipsMatter snack stations. Check out our online event map to find the opportunistic event closest to you.

While you’re there, be sure to visit our Tropicana® Orange You Glad Slavery Was Abolished Pavilion where we’ll be serving complimentary branded tin cups of our Pure Premium Orange Juice. Because nothing says, “Sorry about your ancestors!” and/or “When the oppressed underclass our country helped create thirsts for something more” like fresh squeezed orange juice!

As you make your way from one fun, freewheeling, well-styled protest to the other, don’t forget to text INEEDALAY to our Lay’s Potato Chip Lady Protest Line™! For each text we receive, we’ll donate 17 cents to some sort of lady-related charity as a hollow gesture about equal pay. We’ll immediately counteract that hollow gesture by shooting skin tight women’s T-shirts emblazoned with I NEED A LAY from a phallic T-shirt gun into the protesting crowd.

Speaking of ladies, we hope you noticed the extremely obvious actress in a headscarf in our most recent commercial. She was everywhere, in a headscarf. Expressing emotions and not murdering anyone, while wearing a headscarf. Did you see her? Our account guy Martin wanted to put type on screen and an arrow pointing to her that said “NON-THREATENING LADY IN HEADSCARF” but we said, “Martin, look, let’s keep it subtle.”

So, inspired by yet another great decision on our part, we’ll be launching pop-up Picture Yourself In a Headscarf photo studios! You’ll find them along popular protest routes in gentrified urban areas only or at your nearest Starbucks. So Instagram yourself in one of our headscarf cutouts with the hashtag #ThirstIsTheRealTerrorist or in one of our branded Tostitos® cutouts with the hashtag #YouCantBuildAWallAroundFlavor. We know, we know, it’ll be hard to choose which poor decision to make! But just like our most recent commercial, don’t second-guess yourself! Shoot first, ask no questions later, pull the ad, everyone still gets paid, think of all the earned media, etc. etc. etc. and so on.

And in one of our most anticipated rollouts of our PepsiCo-opted Protest-a-palooza Experience®, at VIP locations we’ll be hosting a Pepsi Jenner-ation VR Lounge where you can immerse yourself in the world of a talentless famous person who dares to wipe off her lipstick with her bare hand in order to save the world from a fairly docile looking — what is that guy? A zookeeper? May we all have the bravery to one day flick off our expensive custom made blonde wig and walk away from our highly paid photo shoot thereby fucking over the photographer, crew, and client in order to pick up a soda we didn’t pay for and hand it to, again, what is that guy? A male stripper? Inspiring.

For those of you unable to attend our PepsiCo-opted Protest-a-palooza Experience®, you can participate from home in our Millennial Stereotypes ’n Diversity Bingo™ online game! Upload your photo, spot the stereotypes, the nonwhites, and the gays and play to win a lifetime supply of Cheetos®, Diet Mountain Dew®, and a wellspring of profound self-loathing.

Again, just as a reminder, The Resistance will be brought to you by PepsiCo, its subsidiaries, advertising agencies, vendors and those too powerless or stupid to speak up in meetings when they really should’ve said something.

And finally, apparently the use of the term The Resistance is not trademarkable so from now on we’ll be calling it The Big Movement (which our Creative Director Jim keeps bitching reminds him of taking a crap. Not for nothing, it isn’t the most inappropriate alternate name at this point) or The Big Demonstration Against Things That Make Us So, So Mad but we’re concerned it’s too edgy.

Thank you for drinking Pepsi® and remember, Girls Just Wanna Have Fundamental Refreshment!