This week Nordstrom debuted their new clothing line for entitled rich people who enjoy working-people cosplay. Here’s a sneak peek at other items the luxury department store plans to release in the coming months…
Single Parent’s Food-Stained Dishwashing Apron
This perky 100% chenille cotton apron is soundly stained with faux tomatoes, ground hamburger meat, and human tears. Show you’re not afraid to work those cute blue polka dots at those three different minimum-wage food service jobs to feed your little ones.
Crab Fisherman’s Wall Street Waders
Running a hedge fund is as messy as hunting down Maine lobster off the New England coast, the sea salt spraying your face as you think, “Damn, investment banking is the life! My heart is hard, but my hands are still silky soft!”
Velveteen Expired Health Insurance Card
Block-printed silk and tencel perfectly match the feel of real velvet and a sky-high deductible. The perfect pocket square for your moth-eaten suit jacket. Recommended pairing: our hand-distressed leather wallet that’s too fragile to hold actual cash.
Sweat-Encrusted Lumberman’s Flannel
Flaunt your rugged, woodsy style with the real blood and sweat of lumber yard workers, carefully hand-drizzled on these rustic yet ultra-soft flannels. All hemoglobin is sustainably sourced from authentic, injured lumberjacks.
Hard Hat Roofer’s Fedora
The Borsalino-style pinch-front crown with caution tape detailing on this designer lid says you’re ready for a night on the town or a day being sunburned and hit by debris in a protective-gear-required zone.
Steel Smelting Gloves With Real Goops of Chemically-Burned Flesh
Smelt away the stress of the work day and toss back martinis with panache in these genuine-looking metallurgy gloves. We recommend pairing them with Protective Eye Gear Wayfarers from Nordstrom’s Furnace and Welding Line.
Army Veteran’s Cashmere Homeless Shelter Cot
Nothing says “honored by your country” like the sinfully soft cashmere that tops this Iraq war veteran’s makeshift shelter bed. Includes faux-purple heart medal and decorative PTSD night terrors.
Trash Collector’s Worsted Wool Orange Safety Vest
The fashion forward gentleman knows that few things round out a suit-ready look quite like a good wool vest. Apricot-persimmon accents and a bona fide rotting trash juice scent ensure that you’ll be seen and smelled at the craft cocktail bar, just as you are by the bad drivers that give our country’s refuse collectors such a high fatality rate.
Antiqued Coal Miner’s Draegerman Mask
This retro dystopian gas mask comes with the black lung-riddled corpse of a genuine West Virginia coal miner who was buried alive mining the upscale clean coal we burn to air-condition our stores to a chilly 65 degrees.
Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire Smock
Burn up those happy hours in this vintage, hand-singed smock inspired by New York City’s chic-est, most infamous of industrial accidents. The timeless organic cotton blend is woven by real children in the developing world working in the kind of distressed labor conditions that lead to fashion infernos. Show the whole world that your life of plush safety is no barrier to your dangerous, trend-setting style.