Also there is the matter of the alcoholic monkeys. While our vacationers seem to find the vervet monkeys pilfering half-drunk pina coladas and banana daiquiris off patio tables entertaining—indeed, sir, I have witnessed several guffawing guests snap photos and videos of the soused creatures stumbling around the saunas and falling from the trees—it is my opinion that the drunk or, as the vet called them, “heavy-drinking” monkeys truly make a mockery of a resort that was once considered the four star of four star luxury spots on this island.
Please take a gander at this chart I have taken the liberty of preparing. On the top left: the floor plan of the area in question. Here’s the sand-bottomed pool (those dots represent the sand), the bar (martini glass) and the hot tubs (the O with the heat lines to indicate warmth). And these hearts around the perimeter represent the electric fence that I am suggesting you build to keep the pesky monkeys out of the—
I understand completely. But I do have other ideas. Please bear with me as I flip the page here on my chart to show you Plan B.
This triangle at the resort’s corner represents a much more humane “rehab center” for the monkeys that I would be perfectly willing to facilitate, as I have always felt that my PhD renders me overqualified—
Again, sir, I understand you are in a hurry, and I understand you don’t “give a shit” about the “motherfucking guzzler monkeys.” But you do realize that the monkeys aren’t paying for these drinks—so, in essence, they are stealing from your company?
Please allow me one more suggestion: you employ me to, rather than collect and redistribute towels near the cabanas, teach the monkeys how to behave like patrons and use currency and order drinks in a more acceptable fashion. Perhaps we could even hire some of them as lifeguards or janitors to work beneath me and I could train them by motivating them with cocktails and—
I see, this is your floor… I’m sorry to have wasted your time. But just think about this before you leave the elevator: What is next, sir? First the monkeys stole sips, now they swipe nearly full glasses from tabletops, next they’ll be clawing your patrons for a nip. And what then? Will you remember that I, your most loyal Towelman, forewarned you that the vervet monkeys will only get drunker and bolder and more belligerent with time? Will you remember me then?