A driver’s license
My parents’ love
A doctorate
A sense of pride and dignity
Checking account
Ballerina as a girlfriend
Respect
Please help support our writers and keep our site ad-free by becoming a patron.
McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON
Join our Patreon at $10/month (or more) and receive a coupon for a discount on the Decorative Gourd Beanie, Gourd mugs, and our glorious new Advent Calendar. Help support our writers and keep our site ad-free.
Suggested Reads
-
January 21, 2003The Track Listing on a CD Titled Songs That Remind Me of Katie Burned By My 15-Year-Old Brother (Where Katie is His Girlfriend)
-
November 26, 2001The Twin Brother Of Laura Bradford: An Interview With Arthur Bradford, About His Book, Ravioli, A Mutant Cat, And Writing
-
November 5, 1999Reviews of Stories and Anecdotes Recently Related to Me: Part II
-
December 22, 2003Postcards from James Joyce to His Brother Stan
Trending 🔥
-
October 15, 2024I’m an Undecided Hobbit, Torn Between a Dark Lord Who Promises an Age of Chaos and an Elf Queen Whom I Just Wish I Knew More About
-
October 28, 2024The Starfleet Gazette Will Not Be Endorsing a Candidate for President of the United Federation of Planets
-
September 20, 2024It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
-
August 19, 2024Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1–1,056
Recently
-
November 4, 2024Don’t Worry—This Is Exactly How the Founding Fathers Intended You to Feel on Election Day
-
November 4, 2024270 Reasons: Because There Are No Rights, No Freedoms That Some Extremists Won’t Try to Take From Us
-
November 4, 2024Eeyore’s Tips for Election Day Self-Care
-
November 3, 2024Based on Our Election Forecast, We Are 100 Percent Sure Anything Could Fucking Happen