INT. PRE-SCHOOL – DAY
DYLAN (3 and three-quarters) and BRITTANY (3 and eleven-twelfths) are playing dress-up in the dramatic play corner.
BRITTANY
So you’re gonna be the space man again?
DYLAN
What’s wrong with the spaceman?
BRITTANY
It’s just… you’ve been the spaceman since we were in Terrific Twos. Maybe it’s time to try the cowboy, or the train conductor, or… wow, I’d love to see you in this pirate suit some time.
DYLAN
No! I want Spaceman! You can’t make me!
BRITTANY
Jesus, would it kill you to use your indoor voice? The last thing either of us needs right now is a time out from Miss Judy.
BRITTANY rummages through the dress-up trunk and puts on a sequined Princess Ariel dress.
BRITTANY (CONT’D)
All I’m trying to say is that we’re both pushing four. I’m just worried that this whole thing could start feeling too routine.
DYLAN
But it’s appropriate for people our age to crave routine. We need it to develop a sense of order and stability in an otherwise unpredictable world.
BRITTANY
Are you seriously going all T. Berry Brazelton on me while I’m standing in front of you wearing pink plastic heels and a rhinestone tiara? Hello? Notice anything different here? Oh! Look! No more baby fat!
DYLAN
Your shaming language is potentially damaging my self-esteem right now.
INT. PRESCHOOL – DAY
DYLAN and BRITTANY are lying next to each other during rest period.
DYLAN
(whispering)
Remember how you used to stare at me during nap time? How come you never stare at me that way anymore?
BRITTANY
(whispering)
It’s not you, it’s me. I’m at a place in my life where I need the nap again. I’ve got after-school capoeira, Mandarin, cello, and tae kwon do today. It’s not all “choice time, choice time, choice time” like when we were young.
DYLAN
You know what we need? We need to do something just for kicks, like we used to before our parents decided we had to get into the gifted and talented kindergarten next year.
BRITTANY
Let’s see a band!
DYLAN
Yo Gabba Gabba?
BRITTANY
Too “pre-verbal, look how kooky we are but we’re actually edu-taining you without you even realizing it.”
DYLAN
The Wiggles?
BRITTANY
Too “grandpa boy band-y.”
DYLAN
Dan Zanes?
BRITTANY
Rock ‘n roll!
INT. CROWDED ARENA – AFTERNOON
DYLAN, BRITTANY, and their parents are in nosebleed seats watching Dan Zanes on a Jumbotron.
DYLAN
This is bullshit. I can’t believe he’s doing stadium shows.
BRITTANY
Can you not mirror our parents’ language patterns right now? We’re here to have fun, remember?
DYLAN
The only ones having fun are all the parents here, or should I say the “square-ents.” This is the closest these people have gotten to a rock concert since they followed Phish in grad school.
BRITTANY
Oh, so now you’re saying we’re turning into our parents?
DYLAN
Don’t blame me. Which one of us insists on playing “you be the mommy, I’ll be the daddy?” every 10 minutes?
BRITTANY
Okay, I don’t want to fight anymore. Come on, let’s dance.
DYLAN
Dancing is for girls.
BRITTANY
Dylan, why are you doing this now?
DYLAN
Because I am at the stage of my emotional development in which I individuate via gender-based self-segregation.
BRITTANY
Well, I’m at the stage where I wanna shake my bootie to “All Around the Kitchen, Coc-A-Doodle-Doodle-Do!”
Wildly, she removes her barrettes, shakes out her hair, and dances on her seat like a chicken. DYLAN inserts his index fingers into his ears and shuts his eyes.
EXT. BACKYARD – AFTERNOON
At her fourth birthday party, BRITTANY is hiding under a table with DYLAN, eating cake.
DYLAN
I really didn’t spill the apple juice on you on purpose. Guess my fine motor skills haven’t been so hot lately, huh?
BRITTANY
It’s fine, it happens sometimes. (Pause) You wanna go to my playroom and, ya know…give me my present?
DYLAN
Can you give me a five-minute head’s up? I’m still working on transitions.
BRITTANY
We’re gonna go to my playroom in five minutes, okay Dylan? In five minutes, you are going to give me my birthday present in there, got it?
INT. PLAYROOM – FIVE MINUTES LATER
DYLAN
Go ahead, open it.
BRITTANY
Where did you get it?
DYLAN
How am I supposed to know?
She opens her gift. A princess dress.
BRITTANY
Yay! Tiana!
DYLAN
My mommy says we have to start celebrating diversity.
BRITTANY
Want me to try it on for you?
DYLAN
Are we allowed?
BRITTANY
No, so I’m gonna do it. I’m four now! Time to start testing limits and pushing boundaries as a means of asserting my autonomy, right?
She exits, and re-enters as Princess Tiana.
BRITTANY
How do I look?
DYLAN
Let’s play doctor.
BRITTANY
Thanks. But don’t you think that’s kind of babyish at this point in our relationship?
DYLAN
Not the babyish kind, the grownup kind.
BRITTANY
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not sure that’s developmentally appropriate.
DYLAN
It is, trust me. We’re supposed to be modeling grownup behavior and doing everything the same way they do it.
BRITTANY
(nervous)
Grownup doctor, huh? I don’t even know how to play grownup doctor.
DYLAN
Here, let me show you.
He takes a seat in a Pottery Barn For Kids rocker, instructing her to sit opposite him in a beanbag chair from the Land of Nod catalog.
DYLAN
So tell me, Brittany. Can you think back to a time when you first started having these fantasies of being a princess?