“Oh look, a shimmery geode-topped bottle opener I can lose myself in while my boyfriend describes the taste of the IPA I’m drinking to me.”
“None of this dishware is microwaveable or can go in the dishwasher but it just adds to the whimsy of it all! I’ll grab one of those adorable floral aprons to get that chic scullery maid aesthetic to complement it.”
“I’m not entirely sure what defines this as a duvet cover but I love that there’s a family of foxes printed across it — the perfect item to add to my den, haha haha haha, help me, I hate my accounting job.”
“These fancy napkins will not only reveal my elevated taste but also how I’m more artistic than the Williams-Sonoma crowd —the remaining vestige of my liberal arts degree.”
“If I mix cocktails in this blown glass pitcher then I can include it in a tastefully curated Instagram lifestyle shot that unfolds like a vodka-soaked paper crane.”
“When the fuck am I ever going to use these nautically themed knobs? The last time I tried to DIY furniture the wood cracked, but these are on clearance and so cute it’s a crime to not stock up.”
“Look at all these cheeseboards! I drunkenly used my wooden one as a cutting board so many times I could be persuaded to get an agate one with a gilded edge. Like a shiny promise of future gatherings that don’t just consist of boxed wine and takeout.”
“What a delightful dinosaur succulent planter! This looks like a worthy challenge to prove I can take care of another living thing that doesn’t require anything but the bare minimum.”
“A richly illustrated notebook to house all my hopes, dreams and fears! But I’ll probably just use it to make Arya-from-GoT type lists of people who have wronged me.”
“This squirrel-holding-out-a-nut trinket dish would be excessively appropriate for my anxiety meds.”
“More coasters to hoard as if I have to protect my hewn wooden farmhouse tables when really it’s the same IKEA crap that’s moved from studio to studio like a Sisyphysian slab of late capitalism.”
“Oh good, more painterly and faux fur throw pillows I can use to fill the void where trust and faith in my country used to be.”
“I don’t know where I’d put a crocheted ombré hammock, but it looks like a safe space to cry in.”
“Ah, longer matchsticks in a phallic glass tube, the perfect size to light my Blue Capri candles I’m hoarding like a Doomsday Prepper.”
“A Moroccan-inspired rug that will add worldly charm to my apartment! It can go near the hammock and help create the opium den feel I crave.”
“Do I really need a plush animal bust of a flamingo? But how long have I deprived myself of true joy?”