1. Avocado-slicing-related lacerations to the hand

2. Uber-related injuries

3. Job-security-related anxiety attacks

4. Political-rally-sign-making-induced paper cuts

5. Avocado-slicing-related lacerations to the thigh

6. Brunch-related alcohol poisoning

7. Chia seed airway obstruction

8. Injuries sustained after being kidnapped by Airbnb host

9. Craft beer allergic reactions

10. Rooftop bar vertigo

11. Panic attacks caused by the existential dread of realizing that while being the most technically savvy and educated generation in history you still have to live with your parents or rent a small shitty apartment because the technocratic Gen-Xers and Early Millennials created a gig economy that serves the needs of the upper middle class at the expense of job security and the hope of retirement at any age for middle and working class people and even though you have a masters degree and two bachelors degrees the steadiest work you can find is driving for Uber and delivering for Postmates which barely covers your car payment, insurance, and gas and when the Boomers that still control the pursestrings of hiring look at your resume they look down on gig-economy jobs and implore you to get an unpaid internship that would cost you as much to bankroll as your last year of college and besides, you already filed your last extension on the student loan deferment so you’re about to have to pay an entire mortgage payment’s worth of monthly debt repayment for the privilege of getting an education that it turns out didn’t help you anyway and you used to look down on your classmates who went into retail and now have managerial jobs at Gap and Kroger but — I mean, shit — they’re making $50-60K a year and and you’d kill for a job that paid that but you’re already too far down this road so I guess you’ll just lie about an internship and hope they never call to check on it but when you finally get a job you’re immediately and repeatedly chastised for being part of the generation that received participation trophies by the generation that came up with participation trophies so fuck them anyway, but you can’t say that because then it’d be back to Uber for you and you wish your older coworkers would stop talking about how healthy the stock market is, as if that’s an indicator for national success when you had Top Ramen as your only two meals yesterday because the office had a box of them you snuck back to your desk so you could eat until payday, but it’s fine, I mean, fuck those other trust-fund and upper-middle class millennials for being able to afford avocados that they slice their fucking hand cutting open, because in reality that’s a minority slice of the millennial population which sets the bar of laziness and affinity for exotic bland fruit and expensive workout routines to overcome the over-carbed diets imposed on us by multinational food conglomerates who forced politicians to subsidize corn and allow them to patent seeds and prosecute small farmers who use them to plant their crops, but no, I get it, we’re entitled and YOU’RE the best generation, with your massive federal debt and your fundamental misunderstanding of the risks of over-leveraging the sub-prime housing market to pad your pockets with outrageous fees and send millions of homeowners into foreclosure, but yeah, I’d definitely like your investment advice for the 401k I can’t afford to invest in.

12. Tinder-thumb