Dear tenant,

Please note that due to extenuating circumstances, we have updated the terms of your lease. They are listed below:

  • Your rent will be raised. Our current estimates are based on whatever number looks the coolest. The number could be 505. It could be 2,800. It could be 750 with a little hat on it.
  • We reserve the right to tour your apartment at any time without notice. We also reserve the right to be wearing our Halloween costumes when we enter your property.
  • We also now reserve the right to keep your security deposit and never give it back. It will be pooled with other tenants’ security deposits and go toward buying a used jet ski for our staff to share.
  • We are modifying our “acceptable pets” list to only include one of those dogs from the internet that rides a skateboard. If tenants want to keep their dog who currently cannot ride skateboards, they can go about teaching their dogs and purchasing the skateboards at their own cost. No pit bulls allowed.
  • Tenants will now be responsible for paying gas, heat, electricity, internet, cable, pest/rodent removal, maintenance bills, water, trash pick-up, recycling, and studio rental fees for our son, who is an up-and-coming rapper. In addition to this, tenants will also be responsible for emotionally supporting our son, who is an up-and-coming rapper.
  • You are no longer allowed to hang art from the walls of your property unless it’s something we approve of, like a painting of a clown choking on a hot dog or a photo of the cool used jetski we bought.
  • Due to a severe misstep, we are now responsible for any items of yours that are stolen from your property, and thus will be assigning a police officer to protect them. The officer, Dave, is a former loose-cannon cop whose obsession with taking down the biggest drug kingpin this city has ever seen led to the death of his daughter and subsequent divorce from his childhood sweetheart. Dave will sleep on your couch.
  • We’ve finally decided how we will raise your rent: one of our staff members will roll a pair of dice, and however the dice land will determine how we will move forward. If the dice land on an even number, your rent will be doubled. If you roll an odd number, you and your belongings will immediately be thrown — via trebuchet — into the next county (you will be responsible for paying the fees from the trebuchet rental company). If you roll a seven, you will draw a card from our “deck of madness,” and chance will decide your fate.

Please read over the updated lease (attached to this email as a PDF) and return a signed copy to us no later than 10 seconds after you finish reading this email. Failure to comply will result in us tearing a six-by-six foot hole in the wall of your property, which will be your responsibility to clean up or repair.

The clock starts now. Good luck.

— Bolton Price Realty