I Am a Pair of Eddie Bauer Cargo Shorts, and I Have a Tasteful Number of Pockets

I am a pair of salmon-beige, men’s size 34, Eddie Bauer cargo shorts, and I have a tasteful number of pockets.

Since the day that George Washington donned the very first pair of cargo shorts in 1776, mainstream media has perpetuated a slanderous attack against us, accusing cargo shorts of being “gaudy,” “excessive,” and the “epitome of toxic masculinity.” Let me tell you something, Vogue, my masculinity, like the quick-dry synthetic cotton blend from which I was made, is 100% non-toxic.

I know you must be thinking it’s physically impossible for cargo shorts to have a tasteful number of pockets. “Cargo shorts” and “tasteful” is like saying “Alec Baldwin” and “level-headed.”

But I am unlike any other cargo shorts. While other less refined cargo shorts have an average of 17.5 pockets just in the front, I have only 12 pockets total. Twelve tasteful pockets. Shocking, I know.

First, we have the two main pockets in the front. Think of these pockets as the entry-way into the shorts you will soon call home. They are where you drop your keys, credit cards, glasses, and loose ketchup packets. They are the first place you look when you lose any of these items. These pockets are deep enough to fit two Danny Devitos.

Next on our tour, we find four smaller pockets that sit evenly spaced between the two main pockets. Ask me how that is possible geometrically and I ask you how we landed humans on the moon. Think of these pockets as the downstairs half-bath where you keep the fancy soap that smells like pears, but never actually use unless you can’t make it upstairs. You’ll mostly forget about these pockets, but every few months you’ll realize they exist and a smile will cross your face. There is an unwrapped, un-chewed piece of gum in each one.

Next, we make our way around the corner to the back-side of the shorts, where we find five pockets of varying shapes and sizes. They are perfect for storing everyday items like pliers, cans of Yuengling, and the large-mouth bass you caught this morning. Every second pocket is subdivided into two pockets, which are further subdivided into four-and-a-quarter pockets. The man who designed me was a genius and also on cocaine.

And for the true adventure-seekers, the final twelfth pocket is so well-hidden that even I do not know where it is. It could be anywhere! It might not even be on the cargo shorts. Use your imagination, and you will be rewarded greatly. I think that Yuengling may have started leaking.

In short, I complete the perfect outfit for every occasion, from shotgun weddings to dentist visits, and even job interviews at places like L.L. Bean and Eddie Bauer. I am tasteful, elegant, classic, and I HAVE A FUCK TON OF POCKETS.